Tortoise
[THE CLICK OF A TAPE RECORDER BEING SWITCHED ON]
MALE VOICE #1
Was that it? Is it on?
MALE VOICE #2
Wait, hang on a second… Wait. Yep, it’s on.
MALE VOICE #1
Okay.
MALE VOICE #2
Okay. Go ahead.
MALE VOICE #1
Oh wait, shall we start this conversation again, or what?
MALE VOICE #2
No, no. Let’s just carry on.
MALE VOICE #1
That doesn’t sound very formal to me.
MALE VOICE #2
Well, it isn’t… formal. It’s private, I thought that was the point.
[MALE VOICE #1 SIGHS]
What?
MALE VOICE #1
I want you to take this seriously, okay?
MALE VOICE #2
I do. I am.
MALE VOICE #1
I need you to.
MALE VOICE #2
I promise you, I’m taking this seriously. Come on, you asked me to record it, I went and got your Dictaphone. Go ahead, please.
MALE VOICE #1
How much do you know about cryonic preservation?
MALE VOICE #2
Cryonic…preservation? You mean like Walt Disn -
MALE VOICE #1
I swear to God if you say anything about Walt Disney’s frozen fucking head, I am hanging up this phone right now.
[HOLD MUSIC PLAYS SOFTLY, AND THEN ABRUPTLY CUTS AS A PHONE IS PICKED UP]
FEMALE VOICE
Good afternoon, thanks for holding. You’re through to Storage Solutions, how can I help?
WARREN
Oh, hi. I wonder if you can. I’m Warren Godby, I’m from Accounts.
FEMALE VOICE
Good afternoon Mr Godby, how can I help?
WARREN
Yes. I’m trying to find the department that looks after one of the company’s facilities.
FEMALE VOICE
Which facility would that be?
WARREN
It’s a seed vault.
FEMALE VOICE
A what, sorry?
WARREN
Yeah, it sounded weird to me too. A seed vault. I think it’s a cold storage thing, for keeping emergency crop supplies.
FEMALE VOICE
That doesn’t sound like anything we have here.
WARREN
Oh really, I thought Storage Solutions would be the right place-
FEMALE VOICE
No, try Agric Solutions.
WARREN
Agriculture. Good idea. Well tha-
FEMALE VOICE
Thank you Mr Godby have a great afternoon. Goodbye.
WARREN
Goodbye-
[THE LINE GOES DEAD – ANOTHER LINE IS RINGING, ANOTHER FEMALE VOICE PICKS UP]
TRACY
Hello Agric Solutions this is Tracy speaking, how can I help?
WARREN
Hello, my name’s Warren Godby. I’m from Accounts. I’m looking into a facility we have on our books and I can’t actually find the department it comes under.
TRACY
You can’t find the department.
WARREN
No, it sounds daft doesn’t it.
TRACY
What facility is it?
WARREN
It’s a seed vault. For storing, uh, seeds. I was pointed towards you guys.
TRACY
Never heard of it.
WARREN
Oh. That is a shame.
TRACY
Is there anything else I can help you with today?
WARREN
Uh…well I really wouldn’t mind speaking to-
TRACY
Mr Jacobs is on annual leave till the 17th.
WARREN
Who’s Mr Jac-
TRACY
Thank you for your call, goodbye.
WARREN
Hey, could I actually…-
[THE LINE GOES DEAD - ANOTHER CALL, ABRUPTLY]
VOICE
Sorry, what did you say it was?
WARREN
A seed vault.
VOICE
A what?
[ANOTHER CALL]
WARREN
Is that Geographical Science?
VOICE
No, this is Bio Science.
WARREN
Sorry, do you have the extension for-
[ANOTHER CALL, THE RUSTLE OF FOOD WRAPPING]
KAREN
He wants to come in Wednesday.
WARREN
That’s too long to not have a shower.
KAREN
That’s all he can do. And he wants to do the cabinet doors.
WARREN
What’s wrong with the cabinet doors?
KAREN
He wants to put those slow closing hinges on them. So, they don’t slam.
WARREN
Why? Do we slam them too loudly?
KAREN
I don’t know.
WARREN
Are people complaining that we slam our cabinets too loudly?
KAREN
Who cares, it’s his money.
WARREN
We tell him the shower’s broken, and he wants to change the hinges on the bloody cabinets.
KAREN
He said it’ll extend their lifespan.
[WARREN LAUGHS AND COUGHS ON HIS SANDWICH – KAREN JOINS IN]
KAREN
You alright there?
WARREN
The lifespan!
KAREN
I know. He’s such a dick.
WARREN
Sorry Mr Landlord, how many slams have these cabinet doors had? Two, three thousand?
KAREN
Ha!
WARREN
Sorry honey, we can’t move in here. There’s just been too many slams per cabinet. It’s false economy.
KAREN
And there’s no shower.
WARREN
And there’s no shower.
KAREN
You took your pills this morning?
[ANOTHER LINE RINGS, IT IS PICKED UP]
WARREN
Doug. Hey!
DOUG
Warren! Just checking in.
WARREN
Yeah. It’s good to hear from you.
DOUG
Are you having fun?
WARREN
Ha, I am, yeah. It is a goose chase alright.
DOUG
No one’s biting?
WARREN
I’ve been bounced around all day. I’ve still got some more to follow up on.
DOUG
You’re getting an idea of the size of the company now. It’s…ridiculous.
[DOUG LAUGHS]
WARREN
I’m sorry, it is!
DOUG
No, you’re right. It is.
WARREN
I’ve never known anything like it.
DOUG
Welcome to Overhead. Keep digging.
[AN OPEN OFFICE ENVIRONMENT - IN THE DISTANCE THERE IS THE SOUND OF COMPUTERS TAPPING, SOME ONE- SIDED CONVERSATIONS FROM PHONE CALLS. NOTHING CLOSE BY. FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
JENNI
Gordon, this is Mr Godby from Accounts. He’s asked to see you.
GORDON
Oh. Hi. I didn’t have an appointment booked in.
JENNI
I’ve never booked an appointment in for you before.
GORDON
I - uh, yeah, okay. Thanks, Jenni - oh. She’s gone.
WARREN
Yeah. I’m glad it’s not just me.
GORDON
What’s that?
WARREN
Just, it seems really hard to talk to anyone round here. Everyone’s so…occupied.
GORDON
Well, don’t take it personally. They’re probably just worried you’re here to ‘streamline’ their department, or close it down completely, something like that.
WARREN
Right. It’s a shame there’s such a reputation that goes with Accounts. I would like to change that if I could.
GORDON
Are you new?
WARREN
Yes. Three months in.
[GORDON CONSIDERS THIS]
WARREN
Anyway, I really don’t want to take up much of your time, so I’ll just…anyway. I’ve been round the houses a bit looking for something. An account, obviously. I thought it was an ongoing project, but I can’t find a trace of it anywhere, so I thought I’d try yourselves in Archives next. I know some departments get repurposed or maybe renamed, so…right. What it is…well, I think it’s a seed bank, or a seed vault or something like that. Like they have one up in Svalbard, in Norway. Like an end of the world resource of all the essential crops and seeds and whatever. They call it a doomsday vault. I’m starting to feel like this is a practical joke.
GORDON
You’re talking about the Red Valley Seed Vault.
WARREN
Sorry, the what?
GORDON
How long did you say you’ve been with the company?
WARREN
Um. Three months. Sorry, what’s Red Valley? Is that a name or a place—
GORDON
Do you have a card I could take?
WARREN
Oh. Yeah, yeah I do!
[WARREN DIGS AROUND A MOMENT AND PRODUCES A LITTLE CASE OF BUSINESS CARDS]
WARREN
You’re actually the first person to ask for one of these. There you go, that’s me. This is great, the Red Valley Seed Vault, right?
GORDON
You’ve definitely never heard of it?
WARREN
This is the first time I’ve heard anything about it. There’s just the usual loose ends in the budget review and my line manager asked me to follow up on it.
GORDON
Your line manager?
WARREN
Doug Holder. Nice guy.
GORDON
Red Valley was a smallholding next to a very small mountain called Beinn Bagg. Affectionately known as Bean Bag. Only, no one’s got any affection for it, so we just called it Ball Bag.
WARREN
Ball Bag?
GORDON
Yeah, indeed.
WARREN
You were there? You worked there yourself?
GORDON
No, I was just part of the redevelopment team. The land was snatched up by the government during the Cold War, and they built a small missile tracking base on it. Tiny unit, skeleton crew. People had been throwing around the idea of an emergency crop resource in the event of a nuclear incident, and as the site was already militarised, isolated, they started working on a vault. Then the Cold War ended.
WARREN
And then I guess the money stopped.
GORDON
It did. It stood empty until Overhead acquired the company that had built the vault for the government. They bought it out entirely, and that’s when I was put on the team. To modernise the vault, to improve it to the highest standard.
WARREN
So why wasn’t it finished?
GORDON
You tell me, Accounts swooped in and killed it before we ever got the plans approved.
WARREN
I’m sorry, I wish I had an answer for that.
GORDON
If, uh…If you want to see, I’ve still got the file for those plans, on my screen right here.
WARREN
Yeah, yeah, that would actually be…be great.
GORDON
Just…come round here then.
WARREN
Oh, um. Yeah. Right.
GORDON
Just scooch round here.
[WARREN AWKWARDLY DRAGS HIS CHAIR ROUND TO GORDON’S SIDE OF THE DESK]
GORDON
Here we go.
WARREN
Um. This is just a bunch of adverts for tortoises.
GORDON
[close] I know. I’m buying a tortoise.
WARREN
[close] Why are you-
GORDON
[close] Swear to me you’ve never heard of the Red Valley Seed Vault until I just told you.
WARREN
[close] What? Why? -
GORDON
[close] Swear to me. Or we’re going to have a problem.
WARREN
[close] I swear.
GORDON
[close] You’d never heard of it?
WARREN
[close] I’m learning a lot today.
GORDON
[close] You swear?
WARREN
[close] I swear.
GORDON
[close] You swear.
WARREN
[close] Could you take your hand off my knee?
GORDON
[close] Look Warren. If they’re sending the butter-wouldn’t-melt ‘uh, um, uh’ new boy looking for Red Valley, it’ll be for a reason. Not a happy touchy-feely smiley reason, a creepy, suspicious, nasty one. Trust me.
WARREN
Look, Mr Porlock, you’ve been really helpful and I’m very grateful. I said I wouldn’t take up much of your valuable time and neither of us have blinked for about 30 seconds so -
GORDON
[close] Keep your voice down. Are you recording this, Warren?
[WARREN SIGHS]
WARREN
[close] Am I what?
GORDON
[close] Recording this. You should be. I am.
WARREN
[close] You’re recording this conversation. Right now.
GORDON
[close] You bet I am.
[GORDON TAPS A NEARBY MICROPHONE, HIDDEN ON HIS DESK]
WARREN
Right, this… this is very funny, this is a very fine joke. I’m sorry if Accounts have treated you badly in the past -
GORDON
[close] I’m not making fun of you Warren. If I wanted to do that, I’d draw attention to your pubey beard and your little toddler hands.
WARREN
Nice, I feel so much better now.
GORDON
[close] Stationery is just down the corridor, there’s Dictaphones in there, go in and help yourself. I want you to tape every conversation you have now Warren. You might need it.
WARREN
Righty ho. Will do.
[WARREN GETS UP TO LEAVE]
GORDON
I know how many are in there. I’ll count them once you’re gone.
WARREN
It’s been wonderful meeting you Mr Porlock.
GORDON
Call me Gordon.
WARREN
I sure will.
GORDON
Warren?
WARREN
Yes.
GORDON
Have you…streamlined any other department yet?
[WARREN IS SURPRISED AT THE QUESTION]
WARREN
Um… Yes, I did. A meat-printing project.
GORDON
Meat-printing?
WARREN
Yeah. Like organic 3D printing. It was a terrible project, we closed the whole department.
GORDON
And how did that feel?
[PAUSE]
WARREN
It was awful.
[AWKWARD SILENCE]
WARREN
Don’t get a tortoise.
GORDON
Why not?
WARREN
They never love you back.
[EXITS]
[VOICEMAIL MESSAGES PLAY ON SPEAKERPHONE]
VOICEMAIL
You have 3 new messages. First new message, received today at 15.34 hours.
GORDON
Warren. I very much enjoyed our meeting this afternoon-
WARREN
Yeah, right.
GORDON
-and I’d be happy to help. My mobile number is 07796-
WARREN
Who is this guy?
GORDON
-4316.
VOICEMAIL
To listen aga-
[KEYPAD TONE]
Message deleted. Next new message received today at 16.15 hours.
GORDON
Hi Warren. I’m sending you something. To your house. I hope you don’t mind, I got your address from payroll. I just pretended to be you on the phone. It was funny actually.
VOICEMAIL
To listen again, press 1. To save pre-
[KEYPAD TONE]
Message deleted. New message received today at 16.18 hours.
GORDON
…Playing this back in my mind, I’m probably really creeping you out, aren’t I? I’m sorry. I don’t get to talk about this stuff very much. I’m sorry I pretended to be you on the phone to payroll and shouted at them to give me your address-
[INCOMING CALL TONE INTERRUPTS]
-probably sounded weird when I just blurted that out in my last message-
[TONE AGAIN]
WARREN
Fuck.
GORDON
-anyway, call me when you get my package, I sent an Overhead courier actually so you should prob-
[TONE AGAIN. PICK UP]
WARREN
Hey.
KAREN
Hey, where are you?
WARREN
I got stuck on the M4, I’m sorry. I’m just past Newbury.
KAREN
You’re going to miss tea. I know. I’m sorry. There’s a package for you. Courier delivered it a little while ago.
WARREN
How the fuck did he do that?
KAREN
Who?
WARREN
Don’t worry. I’ve got some calls to make babe, I’m really sorry.
KAREN
…Okay. I’ll see you when you’re back.
[HANGS UP]
[RINGTONE, PICK UP]
GORDON
Warren Godby.
WARREN
Mr Porlock.
GORDON
Gordon. Please.
WARREN
Right. Gordon it is.
GORDON
Did you get my package?
WARREN
I did. You got that here really fast.
GORDON
The item wasn’t with me, it was at a storage locker in a facility we have near Chepstow. Nearer to you than it was to me. No one knows what it is, it’s just another box with another barcode on it. You’ve opened it?
WARREN
Yes, I have. It’s an old Dictaphone cassette.
GORDON
You haven’t listened to it yet.
WARREN
No. I wanted to speak to you first. You know the voicemails you left me earlier, the whole getting my address thing-
GORDON
Yes yes yes. I’m sorry about that. I just wanted to move quickly, throw you right in so to speak.
WARREN
Throw me in to what?
GORDON
Are you recording this conversation?
WARREN
No, I -
GORDON
[angry] That is the one thing I asked you to do! If you’re not being careful enough, even at this stage, I don’t know if I want to take this any further-
WARREN
Look Gordon, the only purpose of my visit was to understand the use of our funds in and around a seed vault facility, Red Valley, whatever that is, to answer an inquiry from my line manager Doug. This is all really-
GORDON
Please turn on your recorder. Hold it up to the phone and record it.
WARREN
Fine. Hang on.
[PHONE IS PLACED DOWN, WARREN RUMMAGES IN BAG]
WARREN
Sorry, say that again?
GORDON
You’re alone.
WARREN
Yes, it’s late, my wife’s in bed already
[THE CLICK OF A TAPE RECORDER BEING SWITCHED ON]
GORDON
Was that it? Is it on?
WARREN
Wait, hang on a second…[off] Wait. [close] Yep, it’s on.
GORDON
Okay.
WARREN
Okay. Go ahead.
GORDON
Oh wait, shall we start this conversation again, or what?
WARREN
No, no. Let’s just carry on.
GORDON
That doesn’t sound very formal to me.
WARREN
Well it isn’t formal. It’s private, I thought that was the point.
[GORDON SIGHS]
WARREN
What?
GORDON
I want you to take this seriously, okay?
WARREN
I do. I am.
GORDON
I need you to.
WARREN
I promise you, I’m taking this seriously. Come on, you asked me to record it, I went and got your Dictaphone. Go ahead, please.
GORDON
How much do you know about cryonic preservation?
WARREN
Cryonic…preservation? Um, I don’t know…is that like cryogenics?
GORDON
No. No, It’s not like that at all. Everyone knows the word cryogenics, that’s not what this is. I mean, that is part of it, maybe that’s where it started, I don’t know. There isn’t a cryogenics division any more, I mean, that I know of. Who knows.
WARREN
Right.
GORDON
But cryogenics is not the term I’m trying to explain. Cryogenics deals with the production of extreme low temperature, and the effects of those temperatures. I’m talking about cryonics. And that deals very specifically with one thing.
WARREN
Okay.
GORDON
Human beings.
WARREN
Human beings.
GORDON
The preservation of human beings at extreme low temperature.
WARREN
You mean like Walt Disn-
GORDON
I swear to God if you say anything about Walt Disney’s frozen fucking head, I am hanging up this phone right now.
WARREN
I don’t know what you mean.
GORDON
Don’t fucking laugh at me.
WARREN
I’m not laughing at you. I just don’t know what you’re trying to tell me.
GORDON
Fine. You want to save the backstory for later, we’ll do it that way. Some people have their bodies frozen at the point of death in the hope that one day they can be brought back to life. A handful of very optimistic and very rich people. We, own one of the companies that do that.
WARREN
Okay.
GORDON
Yes. Okay. That’s all legal, that’s all above board. People can spend their money on whatever they want. Liposuction, buy-to-rent housing, a National Trust membership, fine. You want all your blood drained out and exchanged for a cryoprotectant compound that’ll preserve your organs and tissues in the chance you might be resuscitated one day and live in the future, be my guest. But no one wants to talk about how we get to that future, Warren.
WARREN
What are you talking about?
GORDON
These people imagine it will be like the movies. They’ll wake up like Sigourney Weaver in Alien peaceful in her little hypersleep pod, years from now looking fabulous. Some of them, they don’t even want to wait till they die. That’s much more grizzly and complicated. They’d like to be frozen right now while they’re fit and healthy ready to see the future, but they’re not interested in the cost. And I don’t mean money, Warren, hard as that might be for someone like you to understand.
WARREN
Look Gordon-
GORDON
There’s not a lot of seeds in the Red Valley Seed Vault, Warren. Listen to the tape. Don’t tell Doug Holder. And record everything you do.