The Golden Bullet
[THE SWITCH OF A TAPE PLAYER RUNNING]
[A CRACKLING, ANCIENT RECORDING BEGINS TO PLAY]
AUBREY WOOD
Aubrey Wood, log number 58. The infusions have begun in earnest now. Yogi and Pooh aren’t feeling too chipper. Yogi’s only been out of the medibay for 48 hours as it is, I’m confident he’ll be back in again by tonight. Pooh’s problems are as much down to his attitude as anything else. He ripped out his IV this morning and wouldn’t eat. You’d be forgiven for thinking he doesn’t want to be here. All the others seem fine, responding well. Not enough time’s passed to observe any particular cause for these two reactions compared to the others. And honestly not a big enough pool to draw any worthwhile conclusions anyway. Maybe it’s because we didn’t give the other guys such stupid names.
[CLICK]
[CLOSE SOUNDS OF WASHING UP]
KAREN
What names did the other guys get?
WARREN
Brown, Black, Grizzly and Polar.
KAREN
She’s right, they are less stupid.
WARREN
Indeed.
KAREN
How much more is there?
WARREN
I haven’t listened to it all but not a great deal. Tape’s mostly blank. Maybe they were for dictation, someone transcribes the log and then wipes the tape. Maybe they used a different tape for each log, no matter how short it was. Maybe she just lost it.
KAREN
Maybe it was taken.
WARREN
Or maybe it was taken.
KAREN
This is exciting! So, what is it, some animal testing thing? That might explain why it’s a big secret. Can’t pour shampoo in a rabbit’s eyes these days.
WARREN
You sound sad about that.
KAREN
You know how brittle my hair is. I need good shampoo.
[WARREN LAUGHS]
KAREN
Have you spoken to Doug about this? Do you think he’d be okay with you following some eco-warrior who’s sending what I assume is confidential material to your home address?
WARREN
I haven’t mentioned it yet.
KAREN
Because this guy Gordon told you not to?
WARREN
No, because it’s…twenty past 7 in the morning and I’m scrubbing fish skin off a frying pan. I’ll speak to him about it later. Gordon’s just an old fruit. The whole company is crawling with this kind of guy, little mole men who never see daylight and want to be in the X-Files.
KAREN
Do you want to be in the X-Files?
WARREN
Are you kidding. I’m fucking married to an X-File.
KAREN
Ahhhhh!
WARREN
Ahhhhhhhhh–
[ABRUPT CUT]
[CLICK]
AUBREY WOOD
Dr Thomas wants to keep going with the dietary supplements. I’m… well, I’m less inclined to continue just because they taste so bad, none of them are enjoying it and like I said, Pooh is just refusing now, even when I gave him something he liked instead he wouldn’t touch it. Dr Thomas thinks it’ll help the infusion process along and I don’t know, maybe it would. It shouldn’t be necessary though, and if we don’t stick to the regimen we laid out then how are we going to prove the infusion’s efficacy. I suppose we’re both coming from a place of compassion. I want to keep their spirits up and send them in with as positive a state of mind as we can. Ben wants to give them the best physiological shot possible. Bryony will decide.
[TAPE PLAYER CUTS]
[BUSY SOUNDS OF THE LUNCH HOUR]
CASHIER
That’s £4.20 please.
WARREN
€4.20? How is that, it’s normally 3 something.
CASHIER
Vegetables are 50p per serving so that’s a pound… and chips are £1 a serving so that’s £3…
WARREN
How is that £3?
CASHIER
That’s 2 servings of chips.
WARREN
That’s 1 serving of chips.
CASHIER
And the pie is £1.20.
WARREN
But that’s only 1 serving of chips.
CASHIER
It’s 2, sir.
WARREN
How many chips quantifies a serving? Is there a specific number?
CASHIER
I’ll take £4.
WARREN
What? So, the price is negotiable now? Is the chip count negotiable too?
CASHIER
Sir…
[A BUSY OFFICE]
WARREN
Hello.
JEMMA
Hi.
WARREN
I’m sorry… this is my desk.
JEMMA
Oh, Warren! Hi, I’m Jemma.
WARREN
Hi, hi. Um. So is something wrong with my desk or…
JEMMA
No, the hotdesking starts today.
WARREN
What hotdesking?
JEMMA
It was in the email… from Doug.
WARREN
I haven’t seen that email.
JEMMA
Oh. Awkward! I’ve taken your desk!
WARREN
Yeah. I… don’t know where to sit now. They’re all taken aren’t they?
[AWKWARD PAUSE]
JEMMA
Hmm… Well, I assumed you’re meant to be on the road today, that’s why there’s nothing free.
[PHONE RINGS]
WARREN
Okay, Okay, cool, humm. It’s fine, it’s fine, if it’s just today.
JEMMA
Oh no, it’s every Thursday.
WARREN
Oh what?
JEMMA
It’s… every Thursday. Because of Neil and Doug…
[PHONE RINGS LOUDLY]
WARREN
Sorry.
JEMMA
You should check the email.
WARREN
I will, I will… Hello?
GORDON
Did you listen to the tape?
WARREN
Gordon.
GORDON
No, I’m the other guy you met yesterday who put his balls on the line sending recordings of highly sensitive material to your house.
WARREN
Of course, of course.
GORDON
Is this a bad time? You seem to have a big boy voice on.
[WARREN MOVES THROUGH THE OFFICE TO AN ECHOEY STAIRWELL]
WARREN
No, no, now is fine.
GORDON
Did you listen to it?
WARREN
Yes, I’ve listened to it.
GORDON
And?
WARREN
It’s really interesting, yes.
GORDON
Yeah.
[PAUSE, GORDON SIGHS]
GORDON
Look, I’m going to be in the car park of the north build at 7pm tonight. I’ve got a gold colour Vauxhall Astra. Well…it’s more coppery but I like to say its gold. I call it the Golden Bullet. It doesn’t go very fast.
WARREN
Thank you for telling me that but I don’t–
GORDON
Meet me in the car, but I recommend you get to the end of the tape first as you obviously haven’t. Then we can discuss how ‘interesting’ it is.
WARREN
I actually have a lot of other things that I need to-
[GORDON HANGS UP]
WARREN
Motherfu-
WARREN
So yeah, it’s good, this guy seems to have some background on the whole thing, so…yeah.
DOUG
Seems to.
WARREN
Yeah. He says he used to work for the Seed Vault in some capacity. I think he may have been let go to be honest, he seems quite bitter about the whole thing.
DOUG
Well it would be useful to find someone who was involved with the project at a managerial level. These guys, they rename, repurpose, restaff these things all the time. If it wins them their slice of the budget, they’ll do whatever they have to to stay in business.
WARREN
Yeah, of course. I will, this guy is just interesting, and I thought it would be good to get to know as much about…well you know, whatever this is, before I went in all guns blazing.
DOUG
All guns blazing.
WARREN
Yeah.
DOUG
Did you speak to Clive Schill yet?
WARREN
Uh, no. I’ve tried him, I haven’t had a response back.
DOUG
I heard he’s the man of the hour in R&D. I’m sure he’d be able to help.
WARREN
I’m sure he can, yep, I just want to work this guy Gordon, I like to be thorough. Don’t worry.
DOUG
I’m not worried, buddy. Just keep me posted, alright? And ask for help when you need it, okay? That’s what I’m here for.
WARREN
You got it. Oh, Doug?
DOUG
Yeah?
WARREN
Have I lost my desk on Thursdays?
DOUG
Yeah, Jemma needs it while Neil is restructuring. You saw the email?
WARREN
[lying] Of course, of course. I think I must’ve got the date wrong, or something.
DOUG
Right.
WARREN
Not to worry. I’ll be on the road anyway.
DOUG
Okay then.
WARREN
Okay, I’ll let you go. And Doug, thank you. Again.
DOUG
Don’t be soft.
WARREN
Sure thing.
DOUG
Find the money!
[THEY BOTH LAUGH]
[CLICK]
AUBREY
It’s 3.43am. Yogi is dead. He was back in the medibay for a few hours and we’d ceased the infusion… six, no, seven hours ago. But he arrested just after midnight. Bryony and Ben were already there, I arrived as soon as I heard the alarm. We did everything right, everything we could, but we couldn’t get him back. I’m going to sleep.
[CLICK]
AUBREY
Dr Thomas, Dr Halbech and I all concur that Yogi died of a massive hypercoagulation event. If he had had a single embolism, maybe he would’ve survived the arrest and we could have…there was no way we could’ve stopped it happening. Yogi had no genetic disposition that would invite this kind of scenario, or he never would’ve made it on to the program. So, it must’ve been a reaction to the cryoprotectant. Yogi was on the alpha course with Pooh and Brown, so we’ve paused their infusions while Bryony recalibrates. This still isn’t going to bump the schedule apparently. Teddy Bears Picnic goes live on Monday and I have never felt stupider using that codename than I do this morning.
VOICE
If I could just take the account number, I can help you with that sir.
WARREN
I gave you that just now.
VOICE
I… don’t think you did.
WARREN
Not you, the robot person asked me to type it in before I got put through to you.
VOICE
That’s your policy number, not your account number.
WARREN
How is that different?
VOICE
Your policy number is for your individual policy, the account refers to your department, Accounts.
WARREN
You want a number for the account for Accounts?
VOICE
Yes.
WARREN
Look, I don’t have that number, I just have the letter you sent which tells me you’re lowering my pension contribution when I requested that I increase it.
VOICE
Yes, and with the account number I can access all your policy information and see where we are with-
WARREN
If you need the account number to see my policy information then what is the point of a policy number?
VOICE
Sir…
[CANTEEN CHATTER]
WARREN
Just the curry and the yoghurt thanks.
CASHIER
Could you lift the poppadom please?
WARREN
Sorry?
CASHIER
Can I see under the poppadom?
WARREN
What do you think is under the poppadom?
CASHIER
I’d like to check, please.
WARREN
It’s curry. There’s curry under the poppadom.
CASHIER
Will you just lift it?
WARREN
No. I’m going to draw the line. I’m not going to lift the poppadom.
CASHIER
Sir, there’s… umm… there’s a line. I can’t charge until I’ve seen your items and I need to confirm what is underneath the poppadom.
WARREN
There are 5 chips under the poppadom.
CASHIER
I’m sorry, I couldn’t quite hear that?
WARREN
There are 5 chips under the poppadom.
[THERE IS SOME QUIET GIGGLING AND A GASP]
CASHIER
Well that’s another pound isn’t it.
WARREN
It sure is.
[CHANGE CLINKS ON THE COUNTER]
CASHIER
Thank you.
WARREN
No, thank you.
CASHIER
Have a great day.
WARREN
No, you have a great day.
CASHIER
I will try.
WARREN
Swell. Namaste.
[PHONE CALL]
CLIVE
No no no no no, if you want to talk about anything like crop storage, anything in the Agric sector, you need to go back to before Overhead acquired all those patents. You need to go back to Wheelhouse.
WARREN
Wheelhouse?
CLIVE
Wheelhouse. That was the company that owned all the farming contracts. They had satellite operations around the country, around the world. When we absorbed Wheelhouse we took all those over.
WARREN
Right.
CLIVE
Overhead doesn’t just buy patents, man. We buy every other company that buys patents. We own ideas, that’s the point.
WARREN
Yeah, yeah, I get it.
CLIVE
Yeah, you do! Doug told me you were the next big thing.
WARREN
I er… I don’t know about that. Clive…Do you know anything about … cryonic storage?
CLIVE
Hmm. You mean cryogenics?
WARREN
No, that’s actually the study of…I can’t remember, actually. Anything cryo-ey really.
CLIVE
We own a bunch of patents for, like, athletic treatments, like cryosaunas for rich footballers, Olympians and shit like that, I don’t know. What’s that got to do with your seed vault thing?
WARREN
Well if it was a vault for storing crops, they’d have to be frozen, wouldn’t they.
CLIVE
Oh right. Yeah, that makes sense.
WARREN
So, you don’t?
CLIVE
Don’t what?
WARREN
Know anyone, any teams that work in cryo stuff?
[MUFFLED SOUNDS ON THE LINE]
WARREN
Clive?
CLIVE
Yeah?
WARREN
Everything alright?
CLIVE
Yeah man. Look I’ve got to bounce, good talking with you. Doug was right, you’re the next big thing! Let’s get a drink or something soon.
WARREN
Oh, yeah, cool–
CLIVE
I’ll email you. Peace.
WARREN
Ok.
[HANGS UP]
[GORDON’S CAR. RAINFALL OUTSIDE. DOOR OPENS, THE RAIN LOUDER, SPLASHING IN PUDDLES NEARBY. WARREN GETS IN, SHUTS THE DOOR]
GORDON
Are you recording?
WARREN
Jesus, I just got in. Aren’t you recording this anyway?
[WARREN RUMMAGES IN BAG]
GORDON
Of course I am. But you need a copy for your own records.
WARREN
Can’t I just have a copy of yours?
GORDON
Now you’re being ridiculous.
[WARREN PLACES HIS TAPE PLAYER ON THE DASH AND CLICKS IT ON]
WARREN
There. Done. Continue.
GORDON
How did you enjoy the tape?
WARREN
Some horrible things happening to some things with code names that are all bears for some reason.
GORDON
Some… things.
WARREN
So, you’re saying they’re people, Yogi and Pooh and Brown Bear and whoever.
GORDON
Well if they were bears, they wouldn’t be very good code names.
WARREN
I guess not.
GORDON
Kind of weird though isn’t it. Wood talking about compassion, about doing what’s right. But she doesn’t treat them like people. They might as well be animals. Pumping them up with their synthetic shit and sending them to their doom.
WARREN
What are these infusions, what’s she giving them?
GORDON
I don’t know exactly. But we’re past the nutritional boosting phase, the training, the fitness, the aptitude tests, the gene studies. We’re getting to the real ham of this sandwich, Warren. These are cryoprotectant infusions.
WARREN
But what is that?
GORDON
Getting your subjects in the best shape of their lives is only the first part. You want someone to survive the greatest endurance test humankind has ever known, you’re going to want to make sure they’re ripped like Jesus before they go through it. But none of that matters if you freeze them so fucking hard ice crystals form all over their body and they end up shredded in the more traditional sense of the word. Then you’ll basically just be defrosting a big red slush puppy. So, you gradually swap out their regular blood for a synthetic, that doesn’t just do all your regular blood jobs but is also crammed with lots of goodies derived from all kinds of crazy shit.
WARREN
Crazy shit infusions?
GORDON
Look, I wasn’t there and I’m not a cryo…ologist. But the company’s been trying to develop and refine life-extending drugs for years. If you want to follow the money, there is an R&D black fucking hole in this company when it comes to human longevity projects. They’re taking DNA from amphibians, those little frogs who get frozen in lakes all winter and survive to see the spring, cold climate insects, there’s the, uh, rotten egg gas, uh-
WARREN
What?
GORDON
Hydrogen sulphide, they used that as a fucking chemical weapon in WW1, terrifically dangerous, but apparently, it’s loaded with all this crap that protects your arteries and whatever. The stuff in red wine that’s meant to be good for you, fucking olive oil, who knows. Anyway, they fill their boys, Yogi and BooBoo and whoever, with bags of this stuff, teddy bears fucking picnic indeed, so they’re as ready as they’ll ever be when they go in the freezer. That’s why they’re all named after bears, man. They’re going into hibernation.
[PAUSE]
[RAINFALL]
WARREN
So, I have a lot of questions.
GORDON
Are they all about accounting?
WARREN
Not exclusively-
GORDON
Come on, man! I am talking to you about illegal experimentation into human cryonic preservation! If I could show you the receipts I would but this is what I have.
WARREN
You have to concede that what this is, is two men sat in the rain in a 1998 Vauxhall Astra.
GORDON
I get it, ok, I get it. You need more. I’m doing this as gradually as I can because if I showed you the whole jigsaw your head would pop off your skinny fucking shoulders. Here is your next puzzle piece.
[GLOVE BOX OPENS AND CLOSES]
WARREN
Another tape.
GORDON
Another tape.
WARREN
This one’s not going to fit in my Dictaphone.
GORDON
No, it won’t Mr Godby, but luckily you’re sitting in a 1998 Vauxhall Astra. What it lacks in air conditioning it makes up for in a top-notch cassette player.