RV007

Winnie The Pooh Was A Murderer

AUBREY

Ben. What are you doing?

BEN

Ah…Halbech had already put the Hartshorn in and muted the notifications. We have to do it.

AUBREY

Where’s she gone?

BEN

She left.

AUBREY

She what?

BEN

She’s gone. It’s just us and Winnie the fucking Pooh. Are you going to help me or not?

[THE CRACKLE OF A WALKIE TALKIE]

AUBREY

Halbech? Dr Halbech? Bryony, answer your fucking comm!

BEN

She’s gone, you’re in charge of this fucker’s airway. Come on.

[CUT]
[THRASHING IN THE WATER]

AUBREY

Okay. Pass me the scope. Alright.

[A CHOKING, WRETCHING NOISE]

Down with the cuff. Down. Fucking rip it then. Suction. Come on!

BEN

You’re doing it. We’re doing it!

AUBREY

Shut up.

[A COUGH, A SPLUTTER, THEN SILENCE]

BEN

Aubrey -

[A SUDDEN CONVULSION, THEN VIOLENT THRASHING]

AUBREY

Hold him!

[AN AWFUL, GUTTURAL VOMITING NOISE, IMPACT ON THE FLOOR]

Suction back - turn him on his side -

[A DEEP AGONAL MOAN, THEN MORE VOMITING]

Ben. Ben! What are you doing?

BEN

Oh… I can’t. I can’t do another.

AUBREY

Ben! He’s fucking dying on me! Ben! Where the fuck are you going! BEN! Ben, please don’t leave me with him. Ben! Be-

[CUT]
[THE ROOM IS SILENT EXCEPT FROM THE WHIRRING OF THE VENTILATION]
[AUBREY SPITS INTO A SINK, RUNS A TAP, DRINKS FROM IT]
[SHE MAKES HER WAY BACK OVER TO THE MICROPHONE, BREATHING SLOWLY AND DELIBERATELY]

[composing herself] Right.

[CUT]
[MULTIPLE HEAVY FOOTSTEPS ENTER THE CRYO SUITE AND SPREAD OUT ACROSS THE ROOM]
[MEN MUTTER IN MUFFLED, SPARSE CONVERSATION, INSPECTING EVERYTHING]
[THEIR LEADER IS A DEEP VOICED MAN WITH AN AIR OF IMPATIENCE AND NO TIME FOR ANY SORT OF NONSENSE]

LEADER

Aubrey Wood?

AUBREY

Hello.

LEADER

Could you step away from that please? Whatever it is?

AUBREY

Yes, yes. It’s a pod. A cryopod.

[HE STEPS CLOSE TO THE POD, CONTAINING POOH’S LIFELESS BODY]
[HE SIGHS]

LEADER

And what is that inside your…cryopod?

AUBREY

That’s…Winnie the Pooh.

LEADER

I’m sorry?

AUBREY

Well, his name was Robert actually, Robert Masters –

[THE LEADER MAKES AN EXAGGERATED SHUSHING NOISE THROUGH HIS TEETH]

LEADER

Shh… We’re here to take you home Miss Wood. Where’s the other one?

AUBREY

The other one? We…we had to take him to the furnace, like the others…

LEADER

No no no. The other one of you. Thomas?

AUBREY

Oh. Ben Thomas? He…he left. He ran.

LEADER

He ran?

[SNAPS FINGERS TWICE]
[OTHER MEN IMMEDIATELY MOVE TO LEAVE]

Start up. Spread out. Billy, you’re on point.

BILLY

Yup. Let’s go.

[THE OTHER MEN IMMEDIATELY FILE OUT WITH HEAVY, FAST-MOVING FOOTSTEPS]

LEADER

Miss Wood, I’m going to need you to pack to leave, we’re out in twenty minutes. Can you do that?

AUBREY

Of course. Happy to.

LEADER

What is that?

AUBREY

This? Oh, Dr Halbech likes everything recorded -

LEADER

Can you turn it off please?

AUBREY

Certainly.

[CUT]
[A HEAVY AND FAST MOVING VEHICLE]
[A SAT NAV CAN BE HEARD GIVING INSTRUCTIONS]
[THE SOUND IS MUFFLED AS THE MICROPHONE IS BURIED IN A BAG]

SAT NAV

In two hundred metres, turn left.

LEADER

[muffled] What are you doing?

AUBREY

[muffled] Just getting some paracetamol.

[THE AUDIO CLEARS A LITTLE AS AUBREY REPOSITIONS THE MIC]
[SHE POPS SOME PAINKILLERS FROM A BLISTER PACK]

Been a bit of a full on sort of day.

SAT NAV

Turn left.

[SILENCE]

AUBREY

So, what happened to Bryony?

LEADER

Dr Halbech was called away urgently.

AUBREY

Oh right!

LEADER

She sends her apologies.

AUBREY

Of course.

[SILENCE IS INTERRUPTED BY THE SAT NAV, RUN BY BLUE SKY, THE OVERHEAD VIRTUAL ASSISTANT]

BLUE SKY

At the fork, bear right.

AUBREY

And what will happen to the study?

LEADER

I wouldn’t know anything about that.

[HE REACHES FOR A WALKIE TALKIE WHICH CRACKLES TO LIFE]

LEADER

Billy, check in.

AUBREY

Where are we going?

LEADER

I’m taking you home. You’re to take a short break, then back to work.

AUBREY

Wonderful.

LEADER

Billy?

AUBREY

Very keen to get back to work.

LEADER

Any idea where he went?

AUBREY

Ben? Oh… er… He won’t have gotten far. You’ll probably find him face down in a field or shivering in a phone box trying to call his mother.

LEADER

Not very outdoorsy?

AUBREY

When he first got off the helicopter, he sank his best brogues into the mud and started swearing in Latin.

[THE WALKIE CRACKLES INTO LIFE]

BILLY

Got eyes on a red jacket, green bag, heading south.

LEADER

Does he have a red jacket? Was he wearing it?

AUBREY

I don’t know…

LEADER

If he has one or if he was wearing one?

AUBREY

I was…I was dealing with…

[LEADER PRESSES THE WALKIE]

LEADER

Stay on him.

[THE CAR SWERVES SUDDENLY TO CHANGE DIRECTION]
[CUT]

BLUE SKY

At the junction, turn around.

LEADER

Stay here.

AUBREY

Do you want me to help look? I could call out for him… maybe?

LEADER

Stay here.

AUBREY

Sure.

[THE DOOR SLAMS SHUT AND THE CAR LOCKS]

Right.

[AUBREY TRIES THE LOCK – NOTHING]

AUBREY

Glove box…

BLUE SKY

At the junction, turn around.

[HER BREATHING IS HEAVY AND FAST]

AUBREY

Fuck it.

[SHE ELBOWS THE WINDOW, HARD]

Ow! Fuck it! Fuck it! How do you break a window from the inside.

BLUE SKY

At the junction, turn around.

AUBREY

Wait. How do you get off the map - where’s the home button -

BLUE SKY

Voice control activated.

AUBREY

How do you break a car window from the inside?

BLUE SKY

I’m sorry. I didn’t catch that. Say, ‘Hey, Blue Sky’, and then your query to search available options.

AUBREY

Open internet. Open Google. Whatever.

BLUE SKY

I’m sorry. I didn’t catch that -

AUBREY

Hey, Blue Sky. How to break a car window from the inside.

BLUE SKY

I found this online. It is a popular myth that a car headrest can be used to break a car window in an emergency -

AUBREY

Yes! Yes! I’ve heard that myth!

BLUE SKY

–but does it hold any weight. We found out so you don’t have to.

[AUBREY FRANTICALLY PULLS THE HEADREST OFF HER SEAT]

AUBREY

How do you get the headrest - where’s the prongy bit -

BLUE SKY

It’s said that using the prong of the headrest fitting against the base of the car window and applying pressure can cause the window to shatter.

AUBREY

What do you do with it? What?

BLUE SKY

Watch the video below to see if it works.

AUBREY

What video? What bloody video?

[SQUEAKS AS THE HEADREST UPHOLSTERY RUBS THE CONDENSATION ON THE WINDOW AND THE SOUND OF THE METAL PRONGS SCRAPING DOWN THE GLASS]

Well did it work? Hey Blue Sky, did it work?

BLUE SKY

I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that…

AUBREY

Oh piss off. Stick it in the window bit. Apply…pressure.

[SHE STRIKES THE HEADREST HARD AND IT NEARLY SLIPS OFF]
[SHE TRIES AGAIN AND THE WINDOW SUDDENLY SHATTERS]
[A SCREECHING ALARM STARTS BLARING]

Oh no! Oh bollocks! Open you bastard’s bastard!

[WITH MUCH CURSING AND MUFFLED GRUNTS AND BREAKING OF GLASS, AUBREY PULLS HERSELF THROUGH THE BROKEN WINDOW]
[MUFFLED SOUND OF HER HITTING THE GROUND OUTSIDE]

Oh bollocks bollocks bollocks. Bollocks. The bag. Bollocks. The bag.

LEADER

Hey! HEY! Stay where you are! STOP!

AUBREY

Oh bollocks. Oh bollocks… Oh bollocks


[A SONG PLAYS ON THE RADIO IN A ROADSIDE CAFE]
[RAIN HAMMERS THE WINDOWS]

AUBREY

Um, do you have Darjeeling?

SERVER

We do have Darjeeling. Very soothing.

AUBREY

Yes. A pot of Darjeeling please. And do you have those teacakes. The chocolate and marshmallow ones?

SERVER

Tunnocks. Aye.

AUBREY

Tunnocks. Aye.

SERVER

Warriors breakfast that is.

[AUBREY LAUGHS HALF-HEARTEDLY]

We actually sell little tea towels with the teacakes drawn on them if you like. Very twee.

AUBREY

Not for me thanks.

[THE KETTLE BOILS AS THE RAIN CONTINUES TO BEAT THE WINDOWS]

SERVER

Terrible day for a hike.

AUBREY

Yes. I didn’t think it through.

SERVER

You can pop your coat on the radiator.

AUBREY

No, I’m okay thanks.

SERVER

You won’t get the benefit when you go back out.

AUBREY

I’ll be alright.

SERVER

Aye… Let that sit for a bit.

[A PAUSE AS AUBREY TEARS THE FOIL OFF HER FIRST TEACAKE AND TAKES A LARGE BITE]

You alright?

AUBREY

[mouth full] I’m sorry?

SERVER

Are you alright?

[AUBREY SWALLOWS]

AUBREY

Have you ever been so sure you were right about something, only to find out you were so wrong about that thing that you literally thought you probably deserved to die because of just how wrong you were

SERVER

Do you want to tell me what happened?

AUBREY

I can’t do that.

SERVER

Aye you can.

AUBREY

I’d like to but I really can’t.

SERVER

You’re Overhead aren’t you.

AUBREY

What?

SERVER

I’ve been running this place for over twenty years. You think you’re the first person to go AWOL from that place in the valley? You’re all the same. You’re all posh as fuck. No offence. You’re all pale as fuck. Not Scottish pale. Like, no daylight pale. And you all walk in with your eyes wide like you shite yourself and you’re wondering if anyone sniffed you out. Am I close?

[AUBREY GATHERS HER BAG QUICKLY AND STANDS UP]

AUBREY

I don’t know what you’re talking about but I can assure you -

SERVER

Ay ay ay. You don’t need to panic. In my time I spotted 3 kinds of runners from…whatever it is you do down there. There’s your Hannibal Lector types who’ve clearly gotten restless and waltzed off the reservation. No doubt looking for something else dastardly to turn their attention to. That’s when I reach for my breadknife truth be told. There’s your buffoon, who probably had no idea what they were doing there in the first place and ran at the first sign of trouble with nothing but the clothes on their back and tell me everything before I get the chance to shush ‘em. Poor bastards don’t make it far I hear. And then there’s the well spoken idealists, who just seem to have had a change of heart for one reason or another. They tend to go for the teacakes.

AUBREY

I can just pay, and I’ll be on my way.

SERVER

They’re going to come looking for you here. I’m known to them. And I am going to tell them you came by.

AUBREY

Please don’t, I can pay, I can pay -

[AUBREY SWINGS HER BAG BACK ROUND AND UNZIPS IT FRANTICALLY]

SERVER

Ay ay ay. You’re making me question which type of runner you are. You don’t get to twenty years selling teacakes by not playing ball with the likes of them. Now… I could ne give two shits about your creepy, kooky, mysterious and spooky secret base. And frankly I’ve never appreciated being a piece in all these clandestine games of wanker’s chess you people have going on with your employer. But if you have something you can give me, I can stretch the truth about how long ago you left. Or what direction you might’ve been headed.

AUBREY

How much do you want?

SERVER

A significant amount of that, please. And… if you’ve been smart enough to keep a lot more of that with you, I could tell you how to get hold of a vehicle.

AUBREY

That would be very helpful.

SERVER

My pal Curly Chops is only down the way.

AUBREY

Curly…Chops.

SERVER

Aye. Curly Chops. You going to want something you can sleep in. Something you can take into the hills for a bit.

[AUBREY SIGHS]

AUBREY

Just have the lot.

SERVER

That’s so kind of you. I’ll give him a buzz and let him know you’re coming. I know he could do you a good deal on a Mazda Bongo Friendee.

AUBREY

A what?

SERVER

A Mazda Bongo Friendee.

AUBREY

I’m sorry I have no idea what you’re saying.

SERVER

A Mazda.

AUBREY

A Mazda?

SERVER

Bongo.

AUBREY

Bongo.

SERVER

Friendee. Aye, that last bits not actually a word to be fair. Anyway it’s a good little van, just what you need.

AUBREY

Great. Point the way.

SERVER

I’ll make the call. Finish your breakfast.

AUBREY

Will that definitely be enough then? To…settle the bill?

SERVER

My dear, for that I’ll even throw in a tea towel.

[CUT]

[THE WIND BLOWS THE CANVAS OF A TENT, WILDLY RUSTLING A LARGE HEDGE AND TREE NEARBY]
[RAIN POUNDS FROM ABOVE, ON TO THE TENT AS WELL AS A NEARBY ROAD]

AUBREY

Hello. This is Aubrey Wood. Thought I might address this directly instead of just passively taping everything around me. Bryony always drilled us with the importance of regular log keeping and the benefits of personal reflection spoken aloud rather than written. Thought it was a… a faster route to the truth. So, what’s my truth. Right now, my truth is, it’s 2am, and I’m in a tent, behind a bush, about 50 metres from the camper van I bought this morning. So, a Mazda Bongo Friendee is a real thing, they really named it that. I recognise the model actually, my old neighbours opposite had one, even the same colour, swamp water green with a raincloud go-faster stripe. It’s virtually camouflaged out here. It’s perfect. Lovely little conversion on the inside, little sink, little fridge, strange little foldaway loo, it’s warm, it’s dry, it has little Christmas lights fitted around the roof. What’s that?

[A CAR APPROACHES]
[SHE PULLS THE ZIP OF THE TENT OPEN FOR A MOMENT, BUT THE CAR PASSES HARMLESSLY, IF NOISILY]
[SHE SIGHS IN RELIEF]

The cafe man sent me to see his friend who, sure enough, introduced himself as ‘Curly Chops’. I never found out his real name. He was so kind and straightforward I found him implicitly untrustworthy. He sold me the van for a lot more than it was worth but I was in no position to haggle. He said with a quite unnecessarily theatrical wink, that if I really wanted to get away from it all, I should go north, take the ferry to Harris. Perfect spot to hide from the rest of the world apparently. I thanked him and commended him on a great idea, I’d set off immediately. Went in the opposite direction of course. Drove for a good while. I’m in Glencoe. Went to a mountaineering shop, panic-bought everything in there. Stopped at a little gravel car park for hikers at the foot of some great grey monolith. And so convinced was I that the SAS were going to abseil down the mountain and machine gun my little Bongo while I slept, I took out my new tent and sleeping bag, marched to the other side of the road, set upcamp in the pissing rain, and here I am, talking to myself, spying on my own van. For 3 and a half hours.

[SHE PUTS THE RECORDER DOWN, UNZIPS THE FRONT OF THE TENT]
[THE WIND AND THE RAIN INCREASE IN VOLUME]

Sod it. I’m going to get in the van.

[CUT]
[AUBREY IS REMOVING A COUPLE OF LAYERS OF SOAKED WATERPROOFS AND HER BOOTS, BUSYING HERSELF UNFOLDING THE BED, CLEANING HER TEETH, BANGING AROUND HER TINY CUPBOARDS]
[AN ELECTRIC HEATER HUMS]

AUBREY

On the drive… I found myself trying to remember what Harrison Ford did in The Fugitive. Shaved his beard off of course, not much help. First thing I need to worry about is money. Bryony told both of us, Ben and I, she took us for a Chinese and she said, calm as you like, make sure you have an exit strategy, and told us over prawn toast where we could get a fake passport, why we should store cash and other essentials in a storage unit, even gave us the name of the one she uses apparently, outside Kettering or somewhere. Ben could probably have lifted the table with his boner of excitement. Thought he was Jason Bourne. And I nodded and smiled like I was the coolest person in the world and this was all so obvious, of course I’d be getting a fake passport, piece of cake, and I’d hide my spare helicopter under a tarp in my dad’s allotment, and I’d be in the Seychelles before the fuzz even knew my name. Absolutely ridiculous. But I did it. Well… some of it. I took out the inheritance I promised my nan on her deathbed would be going to towards a house deposit, told Bryony I’d used the storage unit she mentioned, but I didn’t. Split it four ways, used three different units from Wales, Scotland and England and kept the rest on me the whole time. Maybe you’re listening to this Bryony, so if you’re wondering where those units are, suck my balls, that’s where they are.

[SHE SWITCHES OFF THE HEATER WHICH FADES OUT WITH A CRACKLE]

Winnie the Pooh was a murderer. I mean, Robert Masters. I interviewed him for the treatment when he was in prison in Yorkshire. I was the one who made him the offer. Transfer out of maximum security. Appeal within 2 years, new legal team provided by us, free in well under 5. He killed 3 security guards in an armed robbery on some warehouse. Had one count downgraded to manslaughter because he reversed the getaway van over one guard’s stomach instead of hitting him face on. He laughed when he told me that. I was supposed to be frightened I think, or at least disgusted. But I wasn’t. I was thrilled. Not at what he’d said, what he did, not… not that at all. It was what it meant. It… gave me permission. Just a big green light in my head. I can see his eyes opposite me in that interview, smiling eyes, me smiling back, both of us desperate to sign the pieces of paper in front of us. He thought he was getting out. I knew I could throw him in a cryopod and sleep like a baby.

[PAUSE]
[RAIN PATTERS ON THE WINDOW]

He didn’t take long to die after Ben left. Could’ve been a hundred things that did it. I spent an hour standing at his pod. His eyes were open. Not smiling anymore. I stood and I waited for someone to tell me what to do.

[THE RAIN CARRIES ON]
[CUT]

AUBREY

Stop.

GORD

Would you like me to play the next entry, Aubrey?

AUBREY

[tired] No, thank you Gordon. Don’t think I can bear any more of that.

GORD

They must be difficult memories.

AUBREY

Mainly just the sound of my own voice but yes, thank you, good, simulated compassion. What’s the time?

GORD

It’s coming up to 02:45am. It’s 3 degrees outside and sunrise is -

AUBREY

Yep yep, yep, yep, yep, thanks.

[A MOMENT OF SILENCE]

GORD

Are you finished with audio playback?

AUBREY

Bloody hell, just a… just a moment with my thoughts please!

GORD

You’re due on shift in just under 4 -

AUBREY

I know! I write the shifts!

[THE DOOR OPENS]

HESTER

What are you doing in here?

AUBREY

Don’t you start. I don’t remember any Blue Sky units nagging as much as this one does.

HESTER

They nag if their owner is constantly doing things they shouldn’t, like sitting in the Records Room all night when they need to be asleep.

AUBREY

Hester. Can you just…do that thing where you put your hands on my shoulders and smell my hair please. Without the judgement.

[HESTER RESTS HER HANDS ON AUBREY’S SHOULDERS AND INHALES, THEN EXHALES]

There was judgement in that breath.

HESTER

That was an exhale. It’s part of the breathing.

AUBREY

Convenient.

HESTER

What were you listening to?

AUBREY

Just an old diary.

HESTER

I assume this wasn’t the kind of diary where you worry about your GCSEs or when you touched your first boob?

AUBREY

I was thinking about Ben Thomas. My partner when I was first stationed here.

HESTER

The one who ran out on you?

AUBREY

I loathed him for so long for that. But listening back I wonder what most people would’ve done in that situation. How much more would I have had to see before I turned and ran. He made up for it. He helped me get information in and out of the company. Helped me pass it on. It’s so strange, Ben and I were both in contact with Gordon and never knew it. We kept everything online and anonymous. We were his secret sources. We’re the reason he ever got involved in all of this.

HESTER

Don’t do that. I know you’re trying to find a way to make yourself responsible for everything that’s ever happened. The world is bigger than that, Aubrey.

AUBREY

I know.

HESTER

Maybe we should call computer Gordon here something else.

AUBREY

You’re right.

HESTER

How about Gord?

AUBREY

Gord?

HESTER

Just think of a small pumpkin.

AUBREY

Works for me. Gord, do you have the records of contact between us all? Gordon, Ben and me?

HESTER

Gord, cancel that. Aubrey, you need to sleep, not open up another box of bad memories.

AUBREY

We’re waking Warren up after 44 years. It’s been decades for us but it won’t feel that way for him. He’s going to have a lot of questions about things that happened a lifetime ago for us. I thought it was all clear in my mind but it’s incredible how your memory rewrites itself.

HESTER

Then let Gord answer the questions. That’s what he’s here for.

AUBREY

Alright. How’s Warren doing anyway?

HESTER

His temperature’s coming up. He’s still on inotropes. We did a chest scan an hour ago just to make everyone happy that he didn’t aspirate when he moved him from the pod. He’s fine. Now we just wait for him to come round. I guess none of us know how long that’ll be.

AUBREY

Was this a terrible idea? To take him out now? Into all of this?

HESTER

Some of ‘all of this’ is actually pretty good you know. Nice people. Peace and quiet.

AUBREY

Warren Godby had a crappy life the first time round. Maybe in 2064 he can make a better go of it. You’re giving him the chance to make his own choices.

GORD

English author Charles Caleb Colton once wrote, ‘The present time has one advantage over every other - it is our own.’

AUBREY

Wow!

HESTER

Wisdom mode engaged, Gord.

AUBREY

What if this is the best I can do though. Making the computer sound like his best friend.

HESTER

He’ll need a familiar voice when he wakes up. It was a good idea. I know it’s the middle of the night but please try and be optimistic. Everything’s working out so far.

AUBREY

You’re right.

HESTER

I know… I need to get back upstairs. Will you please get some sleep?

AUBREY

I will.

HESTER

You will?

AUBREY

I will!

HESTER

Gord, play her some pan pipes or something!

[GORD STARTS TO PLAY SOME SOOTHING PAN PIPE MUSIC AS HESTER LEAVES THE ROOM]

AUBREY

Stop.

[THE MUSIC STOPS]

Play the next entry please, little pumpkin.

GORD

Of course.