Red Valley Transcripts Archive (Unofficial)
RV014.1

Clive and Let Die: Part One

May 14, 2023
Summary
'Yes, it's too macabre.'

Warning

(Click to view.)

sustained explicit language, continuous descriptions of violent, bloody death (not depicted), bloody injury in descriptive detail, eyeball trauma described, harm/slaughter of animals described, harm/slaughter by animals described, explosion causing death described

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Source: Official Transcript Archive
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[CLIVE IS STRUGGLING IN THE KITCHEN AS A MICROWAVE MEAL PINGS. HE GETS THE MEAL OUT OF THE MICROWAVE, CURSES AT IT BEING TOO HOT, STRUGGLES TO GET IT ON TO A PLATE. THROUGHOUT, HE IS HAVING A CONVERSATION WITH HIS BLUE SKY UNIT]

CLIVE

Blue Sky, add lasagnes to the shopping list.

BLUE SKY

I’ve added ‘lasagne sheets’ to your shopping list.

CLIVE

No, lasagnes. Microwave lasagnes.

BLUE SKY

No lasagnes.

[CLIVE TAKES A DEEP BREATH]

CLIVE

[exhasperated] For fuck’s sake. Hey Blue, add microwave lasagnes to the shopping list. Please.

BLUE SKY

Would you like me to add microwave lasagnes?

CLIVE

Yes.

BLUE SKY

How many microwave lasagnes?

CLIVE

Five. I don’t know. Seven.

[HE GOES TO THE FRIDGE AND GETS A BEER, OPENS IT]

BLUE SKY

Will do.

CLIVE

Thanks.

BLUE SKY

Would you like an update on your work communications?

CLIVE

What? No.

BLUE SKY

You have 23 new emails today in your Overhead account.

CLIVE

What is the point of an out of office if people just send the same shit every fucking day -

BLUE SKY

You have 418 unread messages in your inbox.

CLIVE

Hey Blue, can I change my out of office message to ‘Hey guys, just to let you know, when you get shot in the fucking legs, I’m going to send a carrier pigeon to your home every day of your recovery to shit on your plaster casts and eat out of your recycling bins.’ Stupid twats.

BLUE SKY

I didn’t catch that.

CLIVE

Don’t worry about it.

[CLIVE HAS HEAPED HIMSELF ON TO THE SOFA. SPORTS ARE ON THE TV]

BLUE SKY

You have a new voice note.

CLIVE

[mouth full] I jsufjf whanttj to eaassrt my dfjnnner -

BLUE SKY

Voice note received today at 16:42 hours from Francesca Jones.

[CLIVE GULPS THE FOOD DOWN]

FRANCESCA

Hi Clive. It’s Francesca. Haven’t heard from you since the hospital. I assume your legs haven’t fallen off.

FRANCESCA

[continued] Anyway, enough with the pleasantries. Time to turn off Sky Sports News and get back in the game. The recon team managed to get something off the drives at Red Valley that weren’t stolen by Bryony Halbech or buried by Aubrey Wood’s explosives, or destroyed by the bloody sprinkler system. The problem is, you hired a weird man baby as your archivist, who seems to have recorded everything he did, including soliloquies about the local bird life while sat on the toilet. So most of the files that we’ve managed to salvage appear to be comprised of total bollocks. Either that or it’s some kind of ingenious coded language. Maybe somewhere amongst the endless Top Trump card games and Nintendo all-nighters, Gordon Porlock and Warren Godby reveal the secret of hypersleep.

FRANCESCA

[continued] So, we thought, who do we know who has the mind of a 12 year old and is sat around with nothing to do? I’ve sent everything we’ve got so far to your Blue Sky account. Get through it and let me know what you find. And I mean listen to everything.

[CLIVE HAS PICKED UP HIS LAPTOP AND OPENED IT UP. HE’S LOOKING AT THE NEW FILES APPEARING IN HIS ACCOUNT]

CLIVE

What the fuck is this -

FRANCESCA

Clive. You and Pamela Jennings are all that’s left of the Kontinue project. And between you and me, I don’t think Pam has got a lot to offer us. She’ll be moving on soon. Which leaves you. Find me something useful, or no one’s going to be Kontinuing at all. On your feet, soldier.

[A PAUSE. CLIVE ASSUMES SHE’S FINISHED]

CLIVE

Oh shove this up your arse. I’m going to call Malcolm. Hey Blue, call Mal -

FRANCESCA

Oh, and before you go running to mummy, Malcolm Landry’s already signed off on this. And cos I know you’re a slippery little shit, I went to see the Board today, along with the principal trustees. They were all so impressed to hear that despite your injuries and the challenging rehab and the trauma of everything you’ve been through, you’re desperate to get back to work and show them all what you’re made of. They can’t wait to hear what you come up with. They even sent you a get well soon card. Don’t let us down, Golden Boy.

BLUE SKY

End of voice note.

CLIVE

She’s a piece of work. I don’t remember receiving a card.

BLUE SKY

It’s a digital card sent through the Blue Sky courtesy app. I’d be delighted to read it to you.

CLIVE

Yeah… Well, I’m still downloading this enormous file of Gordon Porlock debating which Ninja Turtle he’s gonna fuck marry kill, so, go ahead.

BLUE SKY

Dear Clive.

[PAUSE]

BLUE SKY

Get well soon.

[PAUSE]

CLIVE

Wait, that’s… that’s it?

BLUE SKY

Signed by the Overhead Board of Directors -

CLIVE

That’s my card?!

BLUE SKY

Jac Rhys.

CLIVE

Oh, fuck that spooky eyed little shit.

BLUE SKY

Marguerite Kenner.

CLIVE

Same to Marguerite. A fart in the bath.

BLUE SKY

Dev Patel.

CLIVE

That dopey fucking sump.

BLUE SKY

Paul James.

CLIVE

All you can eat turd buffet.

BLUE SKY

And Hailey Daniel.

CLIVE

Bottomless shit.

[PAUSE]

CLIVE

I feel better getting that out of that system actu -

BLUE SKY

And co-signed by the Principal Trustees.

CLIVE

Yeah, you don’t have to read them out too. I know them all, they’re all little dicksplashes.

BLUE SKY

You don’t want me to read the names of principal trustees who signed your digital get well soon card via the Blue Sky courtesy app?

CLIVE

No!

[PAUSE]

CLIVE

Actually yeah, do it.

BLUE SKY

Mel Webber.

CLIVE

Fucking tinned meat.

BLUE SKY

Robin.

CLIVE

Absolute cocking lardon.

BLUE SKY

Kieran McGraw.

CLIVE

Oh, Big Billy Ballbag.

BLUE SKY

Phillip Degenres.

CLIVE

Little Sammy Scrotum.

BLUE SKY

Connor M.

CLIVE

Commodore Buttcheeks.

BLUE SKY

Burn Burnillya.

CLIVE

A boiled potato with no fucking butter.

BLUE SKY

Lauren Szlosek.

CLIVE

Eleven pints of piss.

BLUE SKY

Lucy.

CLIVE

Continental fucking breakfast.

BLUE SKY

Kevin Cope.

CLIVE

The Great British Fuck Off.

BLUE SKY

Evelyn.

CLIVE

The little speck of shit on my toilet brush.

BLUE SKY

Sophie.

CLIVE

The little puddle when I put my toilet brush back.

BLUE SKY

Pete Woods.

CLIVE

Just my actual toilet brush. That I use to poke my own arse shit.

BLUE SKY

And Ben Day.

CLIVE

Wankerchief.

[PAUSE]

BLUE SKY

Thanks for using the Overhead courtesy app. We hope you’ll use the service again.

CLIVE

Has all this Red Valley rubbish downloaded or what?

BLUE SKY

I’ve set up a folder for you.

CLIVE

Thankssssssss, oh Jesus wept, look at all this. I can’t… I can’t listen to all this… We paid people to listen to Warren bugs and Gordon’s ramblings before, where have they all gone?

BLUE SKY

Are you asking me, or -

CLIVE

No, look. Fine, I’ll just… look. I’ll tell Baz and Cockbot I can’t play Fortnite today.

BLUE SKY

Do you want to start at the beginning?

CLIVE

Nope, you’re not going to find anything useful until you’re way into the Godby’s hypersleep cycles. I don’t know…when did Bryony put him back in after th…yeah let’s start there. After we bought that fucking tortoise.

BLUE SKY

Playing.

[CUT]
[A RECORDING BEGINS. A COMM CRACKLES]

GORDON

Warren?

WARREN

Hey Gordon! How’s it going?

GORDON

Oh… I’m fine. I just had lunch. How are you?

WARREN

I am good. Emerging from hypersleep can be quite relaxing, I’m learning. I’m enjoying your little care package very much thank you.

GORDON

No worries.

WARREN

So, they actually got you some penguin bars. Nice.

GORDON

Oh yeah… I know we got them for me, but I thought you’d probably appreciate one.

WARREN

I did. Good joke on this one. Very on brand. Why do penguins always stay in pairs?

GORDON

Umm… Why?

WARREN

Cos freezer crowd.

GORDON

Very good. How much longer are they keeping you in the med bay?

WARREN

Grace says a couple more days. I can’t feel my feet at the moment which they seem mildly flustered by.

GORDON

Wait and you’re not bothered about feeling your feet?

WARREN

Nah. They’ll be along. I mean, if one of them snaps off or something, that is an inconvenience. Anywho! Some real finds in the care package, Gordon!

GORDON

Oh! You’ve gone through it all?

WARREN

Yeah. Desperate times with the book choice. Where did you find the novelisation of the Sylvester Stallone Judge Dredd movie?

GORDON

Well, that’s mine.

WARREN

Yours? You own this?

GORDON

Well, yeah. You want to go on a tangent about wild film novelisations?

WARREN

I really don’t.

GORDON

I could tell you about the novelisation of the movie Jurassic Park based on the novel Jurassic Park.

WARREN

You could, but you should not. Let’s get to the main event.

GORDON

Okay. So, you’ve read the materials?

WARREN

I have. A very breezy and normal read.

GORDON

And you’re ready to play?

WARREN

Yep… I just want to take a moment to say that this is the most Gordon Porlock thing that has ever happened.

GORDON

Is it too macabre?

WARREN

Too macabre? You’ve sent me a pile of documents from the Overhead archive detailing the weirdest, most gruesome deaths that have befallen Overhead employees throughout its dark and decidedly chequered history. And you want to call this…

GORDON

Overhead Industries Presents: Dead Top Trumps.

WARREN

[not actually upset] Yes, it’s too macabre.

GORDON

Warren, while you’ve been having an apparently nice relaxing time dipping in and out of your cryopod I’ve been up to my nipples in these archives. Even by my own bloodthirsty standards it is shocking how many people have died in this company over the decades. And it doesn’t look like we’re finishing up here anytime soon, so I just thought hey, let’s make it fun.

WARREN

Yeah. Because death can be fun.

GORDON

It really can! And in a sense, isn’t it slightly reassuring? These guys are dead. And we’re not!

WARREN

I can’t even begin to unpack that statement. Uh, Right. Dead Top Trumps. I’m gonna go first.

GORDON

Shoot.

WARREN

Ellias Antony Becker. Door Engineer in the Pathogen Development Department.

GORDON

Mmm… Cool.

WARREN

Right. Pathogen department. Either studying or making or just containing lethal germs and viruses. Bad news all round. Extremely Overhead. So Ellias is the guy who makes the doors.

GORDON

The doors.

WARREN

The hardcore doors in the lab, so God forbid anything breaks or gets airborne or could escape containment, these are the fastest closing doors known to man. Like the doors on the Death Star.

GORDON

Oh… I think I know how this ends.

WARREN

Ellias is testing his door, changing the speed, doesn’t realise he’s put a decimal point in the wrong place and set the door at 0.2 seconds closing instead of 2 seconds, doesn’t get out of the way in time and the door bisects his head in two in perfect alignment with his centre parting. Splits him like a banana down to the rib cage. Dead as fuck.

GORDON

Strong start.

WARREN

Thank you. We are maniacs for doing this.

GORDON

Ok. My go. Jennifer Hunt. Department of Organic Teleportation.

WARREN

Oh shut up.

GORDON

What, World’s First Cryonically Preserved Human Being has a problem with someone trying to create a teleporter.

WARREN

Yes. It’s ridiculous.

GORDON

It’s only ridiculous if it works. And that obviously isn’t going to happen, hence this top trump. Jennifer Hunt is clearly insane but she does seem at least a little more honourable than any cryo tech scientists you could care to mention, as she only tests her teleportation prototype on herself.

WARREN

Please don’t tell me a fly got in there with her.

GORDON

Oh no, no, no. Nothing weird like that. It just detonated every molecule in her body like a bomb and bolognesed her all over her laboratory.

WARREN

Ah how wonderful.

GORDON

Overhead chalked it down as a win though, as the technology was then funnelled into weapons development for what they hoped would basically be a disintegration beam.

WARREN

Aha! Well maybe that explains what happened to Robin Hellier then. Got himself ED-209’d by a prototype Overhead defence drone that inexplicably misheard his lunch request for a coronation chicken sandwich as a threat of gross intimidation against the state, and got everything above his waist blown off with what was apparently called a Matter Displacement Charge. Subsequent diagnostics proved that the Overhead defence operating system has got a real problem with Scottish accents.

GORDON

Excellent. Right… oh no, you go again.

WARREN

Why me again?

GORDON

I’m building up to a thing.

WARREN

Whatever, I’m getting into it now. Megan Nice. Assistant in the Chemical Nursery. Spilled a vat of something with a name I can’t pronounce. The fumes of this compound induce an irresistible sense of vertigo, which made her fall over on to her workstation, where a Bunsen burner brained her through the eyeball.

GORDON

Haha! One more from you.

WARREN

You’re starting to disconcert me now.

GORDON

Oh no, trust me it’s fair.

WARREN

I’m going to win if you keep going on like this.

GORDON

I’m glad you feel that way.

WARREN

Ok. Kris Kaiyala, Animal Testing Division. Classic case of experimental steroid treatment made to boost the strength of military personnel having inconvenient side effects such as lust for human blood. He’s testing it on pigs.

GORDON

He was eaten by pigs?

WARREN

Yeah, but very, very muscular pigs.

GORDON

Pigs eat people anyway, don’t they?

WARREN

Do they?

GORDON

I’m just saying it’s not quite the wild sci-fi death you’re making it out to be.

WARREN

Well, if you’d let me finish. I would’ve told you it also happened onboard an orbiting satellite used for testing the molecular density of certain medications in zero gravity.

GORDON

Oh.

WARREN

Eaten by pigs floating in space.

GORDON

That is good.

WARREN

Your turn. You’ve really built this up.

GORDON

Emi Camusso was kicked in the head by a horse.

WARREN

Oh. Well. That’s…tragic.

GORDON

A cloned horse.

WARREN

Okay. That’s more interesting.

GORDON

Emi Camusso is minding their own business when they get kicked in the head by a cloned horse, whose original host DNA horse also killed another Overhead employee.

WARREN

What?

GORDON

This original horse killed someone in the early stages of the Equine Replication Project.

WARREN

A horse killed someone.

GORDON

Yes. Sarah.

WARREN

The horse killed Sarah.

GORDON

No.

WARREN

What?

GORDON

Sarah is the horse.

WARREN

Right. Okay. Sarah is the horse.

GORDON

Sarah kills Jessie Calvello, a lab tech in the horse cloning team.

WARREN

And how did Sarah the horse happen to kill Jessie Calvello?

GORDON

Jesse was treating an injury to Sarah’s leg in a hyperbaric chamber.

WARREN

What’s a hyperbaric chamber?

GORDON

Umm… it’s a big room full of oxygen that can be used to accelerate the healing process. You can’t really have metal in a hyperbaric chamber because if for any reason you were able to create a spark in a high oxygen environment you’d have a major fire risk. Anyway, they thought this chamber was really well lined with protective panelling, so they didn’t bother taking Sarah’s horseshoes off. And they’re obviously made of metal.

WARREN

What did she do, clap her hands together?

GORDON

No, Sarah was just quite a kicky horse, and she ended up kicking the panelling so hard it came loose and exposed the metal sheeting underneath, so one more kick, and…

WARREN

Goodbye hyperbaric chamber.

GORDON

The explosion took out half the department. Jessie Calvello was in there with her. Never knew what hit her.

WARREN

Yikes. That was pretty good dude, multiple deaths and everythi…

GORDON

Oh no, that’s just the beginning. So, they cloned Sarah the horse, remember? Sarah’s clone is called Lora. And it’s Lora that kicks Emi Camusso in the head and kills them before they even hit the floor. And that’s when The Theory is born.

WARREN

What theory?

GORDON

That you can clone homicidal tendencies.

WARREN

In horses?

GORDON

The theory posited wider possibilities but for the sake of this anecdote, yes. Homicidal tendencies in horses.

WARREN

My brain is starting to hurt, Gordon.

GORDON

So, Sarah the horse murders Jessie Calvello… Lora the horse murders Emi Camusso…

WARREN

I mean… I think there’s some conclusions being jumped to here re: the word murder.

GORDON

Every theory starts somewhere. Anyway, Lora is shot in the head -

WARREN

Why is Lora shot in the head?

GORDON

She kicked Emi Camusso to death. They were just minding their business playing Pokemon Go and Lora kicked them so hard one of their eyeballs fell out.

WARREN

She was a horse!

GORDON

Anyway, the next horse clone, whose name is Storm Marriott, is sold in suspicious circumstances as an anonymous thoroughbred to a local breeder called Ben Day, who has no hint of her dark past.

WARREN

Her dark past. Poor bloody horse. I suppose this one is also summarily executed for doing something innocent and profoundly horselike.

GORDON

Storm Marriott tramples Ben Day to death within 24 hours of arriving at his stable.

WARREN

Oh.

GORDON

After chewing his arm off when he reportedly refused to give her a second sugar cube.

WARREN

Uh huh.

GORDON

In the commotion following Ben Day’s cold-blooded murder by horse, Storm Marriott escapes to roam wild in the Yorkshire Dales.

WARREN

Right… so she er… So, she lives on.

GORDON

Oh no, no. Clone horses have a genetic metabolic disorder that requires medication like in Jurassic Park so without her meds she’s definitely dead. But…

WARREN

But what?

GORDON

Within the last decade, wild horse deaths in Yorkshire are up 300%.

WARREN

Uhuh. From zero to 3, I expect.

GORDON

Just why did Overhead send Storm out into the world knowing the likelihood that she would follow her clone progenitors? Just how many murderous horse babies could she have reared in the Yorkshire countryside? And when will the killings end?

WARREN

I feel insane. And you should know, I pressed the button for more morphine a minute ago so I’m probably about to fall asleep. To be continued.

GORDON

Oh. Does that mean I win?

WARREN

Send more snacks, please.

GORDON

Warren? Warren!

[WARREN SNORES]

GORDON

Rude.