Morior Invictus
[GORDON IS INSIDE THE GOLDEN BULLET. THE ENGINE IS RUNNING. AFTER A FEW MOMENTS HE HONKS THE SAD LITTLE HORN. A MOMENT AFTER HE TAPS THE WINDOW]
GORDON
Ah… Hey. Over here.
[THE PASSENGER DOOR OPENS]
WARREN
Can I stick this somewhere?
GORDON
Yeah, yeah just throw it in the back seat.
[WARREN OPENS THE BACK DOOR, THROWS HIS BAG DOWN. SHUTS THE BACK DOOR, DROPS LIKE A SACK OF POTATOES INTO THE PASSENGER SEAT]
GORDON
Morning.
WARREN
Hey.
GORDON
Feeling alright?
WARREN
Yeah.
GORDON
Really?
WARREN
No. I feel like a nutsack. Er… Look, can we put on some air conditioning or something?…
GORDON
Oh, she doesn’t have air con, man.
[WARREN WINDS DOWN THE WINDOW, LETTING THE BREEZE IN]
WARREN
This isn’t a hangover by the way. It’s a migraine.
GORDON
…Is that true?
WARREN
My pills bring them on sometimes. It’s always worst in the mornings.
GORDON
Probably didn’t help being pissed up last night though?
WARREN
I think that’s reasonable, yeah.
GORDON
You just going to leave your car here?
WARREN
Um, yeah. I’ll come back for it. Um… Unless you’d rather go in my car?
GORDON
Do you want to drive?
WARREN
Please don’t make me do that.
GORDON
Don’t worry about it. Look, I’ve got biscuits.
WARREN
Oh God, I love you.
[WARREN RUFFLES THROUGH A PAPER BAG]
GORDON
Road trip then?
WARREN
Yup. Road trip.
GORDON
Okay. Let’s do this. We’re going to go to Red Valley, and solve mysteries -
WARREN
Mm-hmm.
GORDON
…uncover secrets, blow this shit wide open, stand in the shadow of the mighty Ball Bag -
[A CAR HORN HONKS BEHIND THEM]
WARREN
I don’t think you can stop here actually.
GORDON
Oh yeah, okay, hang on.
[GORDON GOES TO PULL AWAY AND STALLS]
GORDON
Lol. Whoops.
[OTHER CAR HONKS MULTIPLE TIMES]
WARREN
Oh, fuck off -
[CUT]
GORDON
Oh wait, did that say -
WARREN
Yeah yeah, left. Up there.
GORDON
I don’t really know how to get…like… I’m probably fine once we’re on the motorway but I don’t actually know how to get to the motorway.
WARREN
Do you have a sat nav?
GORDON
No.
WARREN
My phone does. I don’t have the data to get us all the way to Scotland, but we can use it for now.
GORDON
Cool, cool. There’s a map behind your seat for the rest of it.
WARREN
Oh.
[WARREN RUMMAGES BEHIND HIM AND PRODUCES WHAT IS CLEARLY A VERY OLD MAP]
[THERE IS A STICKY, CRISPY SOUND AS HE HANDLES EACH PAGE]
WARREN
Oh my god, how old is this?
GORDON
As old as the car I expect.
WARREN
[with disdain] Why is it so crispy?
GORDON
Because it’s old. Don’t look like that, I don’t wank off over diagrams of the M25. Sniff it if you must.
WARREN
After 200 yards, keep left.
GORDON
Wait, what did it say?
WARREN
Keep left. There, no, go there -
[DRIVING IN SILENCE]
GORDON
Were you serious about this prison idea?
WARREN
It’s only an idea. I was trying to think of practical uses for this kind of technology if it was real. I just don’t believe a bunch of old rich people, no matter how much money they have, are enough to justify all this. No one’s going to go to all the abject… horror and mess, frankly, on the whim of some old bastard, or some young bastard, who can change his mind, have second thoughts, die earlier than planned. There are too many variables. There has to be some larger function, something more permanent, some institutional application. Overhead make millions in private prisons. Being able to store a prisoner, rather than actively detaining them. All you’d need is a warehouse, a storage unit, a…
GORDON
A vault.
WARREN
Yeah.
GORDON
So, who are we talking to?
WARREN
Like I said, he’s just a rep. He might not know anything, I thought what’s the harm. We’re only dropping in.
GORDON
What time?
WARREN
Oh there isn’t a time, I’m just going to catch him at his office. I didn’t want him to be able to say no.
GORDON
Sure, sure, yeah. Let’s just make it up as we go.
[SILENCE]
WARREN
So… what else did Clive Schill have to say about me?
GORDON
We don’t have to talk about that.
WARREN
No, it’s fine, really. I’d rather know.
GORDON
Erm… Well, he said…he said he wasn’t supposed to be telling me this, that it was confidential HR stuff, but you had, uh…some difficulties with your mental health. Before joining the company. That you might be impressionable, or prone to paranoia or manic behaviour. And that I wasn’t being a positive influence on you. With all my…interests.
WARREN
Well, I don’t know where he would get that idea. I’m only thacking it up the M1 with a raging hangover, after drunkenly yelling at my boss that I’m off to search for a mythical research facility where maniacs are freezing people’s bodies until they shatter like china plates or are liquified into toxic sludge. Without telling my wife.
GORDON
You didn’t tell your wife?
WARREN
She…wouldn’t take it very well.
GORDON
I expect you may have to tell her at some point. Like…probably today…
WARREN
That is a distinct possibility. Have you got any sweets?
WARREN
I think you’ve heard way too much about me Gordon. Tell me about you.
GORDON
There’s really not much to tell.
[SILENCE]
WARREN
Oh, you’re serious, you’re not going to tell me anything.
GORDON
I…
WARREN
Oh, sorry man, don’t worry about it. I’m sorry to ask.
[SILENCE]
WARREN
Can we have the radio on?
GORDON
Oh, someone snapped the aerial off. I replaced it, then went through the car wash a day later, which snapped it off again, and now I just think I’m not supposed to have an aerial.
WARREN
Okay. Got any tapes?
GORDON
Oh yeah! Yeah, glove box.
[WARREN OPENS THE GLOVE BOX AND A PILE OF CASSETTES SPILLS ON TO THE FLOOR]
WARREN
Jeez Louise.
GORDON
Sorry, there’s quite a few. Take your pick though, they’re all good.
WARREN
‘Neurovitrification and the Simian Brain.’
GORDON
If you can tolerate the horrendous animal cruelty, that’s a fascinating lecture.
WARREN
‘The Sky’s the Hayflick Limit.’
GORDON
Ah, yeah, The Hayflick Limit is the amount of times the cells in your body divide. Big part of the quest for biological immortality. Simon Callow reads the audiobook.
WARREN
This one’s got Aubrey Wood on it but it’s crossed out.
GORDON
Oh, that was just a copy I taped over. Think it had some early psych evaluations, boring stuff.
WARREN
I thought you gave me everything.
GORDON
Oh, I did. Everything from the base. This was just background fluff, where did she go to school, does she play well with others, etc etc.
WARREN
And you copied over it with…‘Aloha Eternity’?
GORDON
Yeah, a guy proposed a cryonic cruise ship. You live out the end of your days on a luxury cruise liner going round the world, Hawaii, the Caribbean, wherever, always moving, avoiding all kinds of international euthanasia and funeral law then when you’re ready, you down your last Dignitas marguerita and the bar staff immediately jump in and freeze your brains before you slip off your bar stool. It’s not the worst idea in the world.
WARREN
‘You Can’t Freeze a Soul - My Journey Into the Cryonic Void.’
GORDON
Oh, that’s, uh. That’s a memoir. A draft. Of a memoir.
WARREN
Your memoir?
GORDON
It’s a work in progress.
WARREN
I thought there wasn’t much to say about you. You’ve recorded a memoir! You’ve filled a whole tape.
GORDON
Well, not the whole tape.
WARREN
It says Part 5!
GORDON
It’s not ready for public consumption.
WARREN
Gordon, I choose to believe you. You know, I don’t think I can listen to anyone talking about brains or monkeys or margueritas of any kind. Do you have any music? Anything at all?
GORDON
Oh yeah, yeah. That green one.
WARREN
What is it?
GORDON
That’s my old band.
WARREN
Hmmm.
GORDON
It’s good! I like to keep it around, it reminds me of a simpler time. Put it on, it’ll be fun.
WARREN
Sure.
[WARREN PUTS IN THE TAPE]
[AN EAR-BLEEDING METAL TRACK PLAYS]
WARREN
Fuck me!
GORDON
Still sounds great!
[AFTER A FEW MORE SECONDS WARREN TURNS IT OFF]
WARREN
Jesus!
GORDON
That track was called Morior Invictus. It’s about galloping towards a glorious death.
WARREN
Of course, it was.
GORDON
We were called Pus Crank.
WARREN
Pu… Pus Crank.
GORDON
Yeah!
[WARREN BURSTS INTO LAUGHTER, AND GORDON JOINS IN]
[A BUSTLING SERVICE STATION]
GORDON
She sells out every belief that she has. Remember that scientist guy she’s in love with the whole time?
WARREN
David. He went to Minsk.
GORDON
She’s in love with him for like 10 years and then blows him off for a pretty boy––
WARREN
That was Paul Rudd. I would choose Paul Rudd.
GORDON
She’s an animal rights activist who then wants to wear a real fur coat, she hates corporations but then fills her house with Pottery Barn furniture and goes to work for the big corporate massage company in secret. Phoebe is a fraud.
WARREN
Rachel turns up at Monica’s house in the very first episode having left a guy at the altar, right. Monica is her best friend from school. She wasn’t even invited to the wedding. She’s not even an evening guest. She gets off with Ross the night Monica and Chandler get engaged because God forbid an event happens that isn’t about her, on Monica’s wedding day it’s all about Rachel getting pregnant, when she has the baby she steals Monica’s baby name. And then Monica ends up not being able to have kids.
GORDON
Yeah, well, that’s not Rachel’s fault.
WARREN
Everyone says that.
[GORDON REFUELS THE CAR WITH PETROL]
[WARREN’S PHONE RINGS]
WARREN
Hello? Oh, Craig. Umm… Hi. I’m good, yeah. What can I do for you? Well, yeah, actually I am. I’m on my way through this afternoon and I was wondering…Oh right… Okay… What if I got there sooner? Yeah, yeah I’m with a friend. Just a, just a guy from Archives. Ah I see… Well, another time then? Umm… yeah, I’ll send you an email if that’s ok? Yeah, alright mate. Well, it was good to speak to you anyway. Okay… bye.
[GORDON GETS BACK IN THE CAR]
GORDON
That doesn’t sound good.
WARREN
That was my friend, the rep. He just cancelled on me.
GORDON
Wait, I thought he didn’t know you were coming.
WARREN
He didn’t.
GORDON
Did Doug Holder tell him?
WARREN
Didn’t tell him either. Well, I don’t think I did?
GORDON
Are you sure?
WARREN
Well yeah, I was trying to be stealthy.
GORDON
What do you want to do?
WARREN
Sod it. Let’s plough on. It’s saved some time at least, we can stop for some food if you want.
[PUS CRANK IS BLASTING FULL VOLUME]
GORDON
[loud] You see the thing is, the music, despite the technical complexity and outwardly aggressive tone is… as I’m sure you can tell, incredibly melodic and uplifting, sentimental in many ways.
WARREN
[loud] Yeah, it’s very sweet.
GORDON
[loud] Thank you. So… you need a suitable power metal name. I wanted to call us Glory Wings, but apparently it sounded like a sanitary product. But Geoffrey and Simon, who were the guitarists, and brothers as well, they were obsessed with names like, uh, Bile Piston, Poxhammer. Which are all clearly crust names––
WARREN
[loud] What is Crust?
GORDON
[loud] Crust? Oh er… Like anarchy-punk shit. All guttural screaming and dirty bass. It’s an entirely different sound. So, no wonder we never got anywhere with a name like Pus Crank!
[WARRENS PHONE STARTS RINGING]
WARREN
Ah shit.
GORDON
[loud] What?
[HE TURNS THE MUSIC OFF]
[THE PHONE CONTINUES TO RING]
GORDON
Oh… Just tear the plaster off.
WARREN
Yeah thanks.
[ANSWERS]
WARREN
Hi.
KAREN
Hi. I didn’t expect you to pick up.
WARREN
I’m sorry.
KAREN
I don’t even know what you’re apologising for.
WARREN
Thank you.
KAREN
No, I mean which part? Is it the running away and not telling me where you’re going, is it going AWOL at your job which we need to pay for the house we live in, or is it the way you spoke to Doug, your boss, my friend, to whom you owe your whole career?
WARREN
I know. You’re completely right.
KAREN
I’m right. Of course I’m right! You told him to suck your dick!
GORDON
What!
WARREN
Whoa whoa, I never said that.
KAREN
Really?
WARREN
I would never say that.
KAREN
Oh so, what did you say?
[GORDON PUFFS OUT HIS CHEEKS]
KAREN
Warren?
WARREN
I said he could suck a dick.
KAREN
I’m sorry?
WARREN
I said he could go suck a dick.
KAREN
Oh, much better. I wonder how he got those two confused.
GORDON
Yeah that’s totally different.
KAREN
Who’s that?
WARREN
[close] Shut up.
KAREN
That’s Gary Hemlock or whoever is it?
GORDON
Gordon Porlock.
KAREN
And I suppose he’s taping all of this on his little Dictaphone, is he?
WARREN
[close] Sorry man. She’s my wife.
GORDON
I’m an archivist Mrs Godby. It’s just a habit.
WARREN
[close] Stop talking… Karen, I know, I’m having some trouble, I… I should never have spoken to Doug that way, I don’t want to lose my job–
KAREN
Then why did you tell him he could stick it up his shitpipe?
[GORDON BURSTS INTO LAUGHTER]
WARREN & KAREN
Shut up, Gordon!
WARREN
Karen, I’m gonna be home in the next day or two–
KAREN
Oh, will you?
WARREN
and I’ll explain everything.
KAREN
I’ll just make you up a dinner then, shall I? Keep it warm for you, when you deign to come home?
WARREN
Look let’s… let’s talk later, please?
KAREN
Hmph.
[AN AWKWARD SILENCE]
GORDON
Who’s the worst Friend, Mrs Godby?
WARREN
[close] Gordon, be quiet!
KAREN
What?
GORDON
The worst friend from Friends. I think it’s Phoebe, Warren thinks it’s Rachel.
KAREN
Two white guys taping themselves arguing about TV shows. Just what the world needs more of.
WARREN
I’m sorry… I’m sorry.
KAREN
Enjoy your little pop culture happy hour, my love.
WARREN
Bye. Love you.
[ANOTHER SILENCE]
KAREN
Ross is obviously the worst Friend.
[KAREN HANGS UP]
[WARREN AND GORDON ARE IN A ROADSIDE CAFE]
GORDON
How’s the hangover?
WARREN
I feel like I’m in the middle of a really long stroke.
GORDON
But you’ve done all the things. You had biscuits. You found those furry paracetamol in the cup holder and you had a Burger King.
WARREN
I listened to 75 minutes of power metal.
GORDON
Which you were into by side B. And you said you were only pretending to be napping so I’d stop talking about my pitch for a live action adaptation of The Silmarillion but… I saw a fly land on your face, and you didn’t move so I know you got some sleep.
WARREN
I just… I don’t know who I think I am carrying on like this. I have no idea what I’m doing.
GORDON
You’ve just got the dreads. Existential crises are an essential part of the recovery experience.
[PAUSE]
WARREN
You remember when you were at school, and you would get bullied––
GORDON
What makes you think I was bullied?
WARREN
Who did you say you wanted to play Eru the Supreme Being in The Silmarillion?
GORDON
Danny DeVito––
WARREN
So… when you were bullied. You would always do everything you could to avoid being hit, right?
GORDON
Yeah.
WARREN
Of course you did. Me too. And whenever I would tell my mum or a teacher or whoever they would always commend me for not trying to hit them back, for not starting a fight.
GORDON
Okay.
WARREN
And that idea was meant to get reinforced in your mind, that you were the better person for not being violent, for not rising to it.
GORDON
Well yeah. That’s true.
WARREN
I never felt that. Not once. I didn’t back down from a bully at school or walk away from an idiot in a pub because I thought it made me the better man, I did it because I was scared, because I was always smaller than they were, because I had no idea how to hit someone. If I’d been built like HeMan I wouldn’t have backed down, I would’ve broken their faces. I wasn’t better, I was weaker.
GORDON
There’s no shame in not wanting to get yourself hurt. Especially if you’ve done nothing to earn it.
WARREN
I’m sorry. I’m getting all weird and intense.
GORDON
Yeah, enough of this self-pitying beta male shit, please.
GORDON
[to a waitress] Er… Hi. Yeah, can we get the bill please?
WAITRESS
Sure.
[WARREN AND GORDON DRIVE IN SILENCE, A TAPE PLAYING]
[THE VOICE IS SLOW AND ENTIRELY MONOTONOUS]
MR ALOHA ETERNITY (on tape)
There’s no denying the allure of the cruise lifestyle. I myself have taken 16 cruises with my wife and family over the years. I’ve been to the Mediterranean, seen the Northern Lights, Budapest, the Caribbean, Thailand. I believe there is a great opportunity here to celebrate the spirit of adventure at that time of life when it might seem most far away. To not know where in the world you might pass on, but to be secure in the knowledge that when you do, highly skilled cryonic technicians will be on hand to vitrify your corporeal form––
[THE TAPE CUTS AND ANOTHER VOICE IS HEARD]
INTERVIEWER (on tape)
Do you think your mother’s death, and the manner of her death, impacts on the work you do? Do you believe it has an impact on your current position, and how do you think it could affect your day to day responsibilities?
AUBREY (on tape)
I think It would be naive to think it hasn’t played a part in my choices, in my career and my personal life. And that it wouldn’t inform decisions I go on to make. It’s one of the reasons I got into the field, but it’s not an obstacle.
INTERVIEWER (on tape)
Have you had any counselling or therapy of any kind in regards to this or any other life event or trauma?
WARREN
What’s this?
GORDON
Oh, there’s still some Aubrey left over. You want to turn it off?
WARREN
Nah.
AUBREY (on tape)
I expressed a desire to talk to someone following my mother’s passing. My father wasn’t keen as he was worried it would somehow damage my future if I had a ‘mental issue on your record’, as he put it, but I insisted I speak to someone shortly after her death.
INTERVIEWER (on tape)
A professional?
AUBREY (on tape)
Yes, my school counsellor and then a private practitioner later. I’ve had therapy at various times in my life, I think it’s very healthy.
INTERVIEWER (on tape)
I agree entirely. We’ve made great efforts to offer committed mental health services across the board at Overhead, it’s hugely important that the staff feel they are able to come to us, for any reason.
AUBREY (on tape)
Yes, I’ve seen the posters. It’s a very good thing.
GORDON
Her mum died when she was little, I think. They’re just trying to work out if she’s in all this for the right reasons.
WARREN
Whatever they are.
GORDON
Uh-hmm.
INTERVIEWER (on tape)
You’re aware of the full nature of your duties once you’re embedded at the facility.
AUBREY (on tape)
Yes. Fully.
INTERVIEWER (on tape)
The risk of loss of life during the process is…
AUBREY (on tape)
I’m under no illusion. There will be loss of life. As with every stage of the project so far.
INTERVIEWER (on tape)
How does that sit with you, Aubrey?
AUBREY (on tape)
The process by which we select our cohorts is exhaustive and I’ve played a direct role in meeting, vetting and selecting our candidates. I believe in informed consent. I believe everyone that sets foot in our facility knows the risks.
INTERVIEWER (on tape)
But given the circumstances you’ll face. Isolation, limited rest or relaxation, rationed food, very little company. How do you predict those risks, the apparent certainty of a mortality rate, will affect you? Given your own responsibility in… managing those risks?
AUBREY (on tape)
When I was vetting potential candidates, I spoke to a man who had seen terrible things, maybe he’d done terrible things. Part of the process is very similar to this conversation, only I’m in your chair and the potential candidate is in mine. I tried to gauge his state of mind considering the exceptional circumstances under which we were meeting. I asked him about the things he had done, the things done to him. He said, ‘You should only do what you know you can live with.’ It’s a far easier thing to say than it is a code to live by, but it’s stuck with me since… I know what we’re facing… And I’m still here.
[THE INTERVIEW ENDS, THE TAPE STATIC ROLLING ON]
GORDON
What’s wrong?
WARREN
What?
GORDON
You’re looking at my tape deck like it turned into a grapefruit.
WARREN
…It’s nothing.
GORDON
You sure?
WARREN
Yeah.
[STILL DRIVING, TIME HAS PASSED]
GORDON
It’s so dark, how are you supposed to see anything…
[WARREN IS SILENT]
GORDON
At least it’s not raining, I guess.
[SILENCE]
GORDON
I’m sure we’re in the middle of some dramatic scenery, if there was just some moonlight or something. Oh wait, was that it?
[THE CAR SLOWS]
WARREN
What?
GORDON
Was that a sign?
WARREN
Was that a sign?
[GORDON PUTS THE CAR IN REVERSE]
GORDON
Ah yeah, this is it.
[THE CAR SLOWLY TRUNDLES UP A ROCKY PATH]
WARREN
Do they even have B&Bs round here?
GORDON
It’s not a B&B.
WARREN
You said it was a B&B?
GORDON
Nah… I said a bothy.
WARREN
A what?
GORDON
A bothy.
WARREN
What is a bothy?
GORDON
Like a hut for mountaineers. I think farmers used to use them.
WARREN
A hut?
GORDON
Well Airbnb doesn’t really go this far up.
[THE CAR COMES TO A STOP]
WARREN
Does it have electricity?
GORDON
Well, yeah, it’s not a literal hut. It’s just a bit bare bones. Camping stove, sleeping mats, that sort of thing.
WARREN
We’ve been on the road for 11 hours and there’s no bed?
GORDON
Come on, it’s all part of the adventure.
[GORDON GETS OUT OF THE CAR]
[WARREN RELUCTANTLY FOLLOWS]
WARREN
How do we even get in?
GORDON
How do we even get in?
WARREN
Huh… Great.
GORDON
Look, you’re shattered, just… wait in the car and I’ll walk over, it’ll only be 10 minutes.
WARREN
Why don’t we just drive over, it’s the middle of the night?
GORDON
Nah, nah, I fancy a quick stroll. The air is amazing here.
WARREN
Okay.
GORDON
Are you alright?
WARREN
What do you mean?
GORDON
You’ve been quiet for ages, I just wondered if you were alright.
WARREN
I’m fine, I’m fine. It’s just cold and late.
GORDON
Yeah. Alright, sit tight, I’ll be right back.
[GORDON WALKS AWAY, WARREN GETS BACK IN THE CAR]
[HE SIGHS AND TURNS ON THE STEREO, LISTENS TO THE STATIC OF THE UNTUNABLE RADIO]
[EVENTUALLY HE PICKS UP A TAPE, PUTS IT IN THE DECK – REWINDS IT FOR A FEW SECONDS, PLAYS]
INTERVIEWER
––iven the circumstances you’ll face. Isolation, limited rest or relaxation, rationed fo––
[HE WINDS FORWARD A COUPLE OF SECONDS]
AUBREY
––candidate is in mine. I tried to gauge his state of mind considering the exceptional circumstances under which we were meeting. I asked him… about the things he had done, the things done to him. And he said, ‘You should only do what you know you can live with.’ It’s a far easier thing to say than––