Do You Want To Continue
[THE LOUD JOLTING RACKET OF A HEAVY CAR BEING DRIVEN QUICKLY AND INEXPERTLY DOWN VERY BAD ROAD]
GORDON
Personal log! It’s erm… something like 2am and I’m driving George the farmer’s massive Land Rover in the middle of nowhere – argh… argh I’ve never driven one of these before… So, I’m in this terrifying end of the world farmhouse with this terrifying end of the world farmer George and his delightful wife Betty and she gives me the keys after making lots of strange comments about me and Warren getting back to nature and that the bothy is a lovely place where men can be men and we can be true to ourselves, and no one will disturb us, and when I get back… the car is gone… Warren is gone, no note, no signal on our phones. I can only assume he’s going to Red Valley, somehow, cos he has no idea where it is. I have no idea what is going on.
[BRINGS CAR TO A STOP]
Where am I? God, I hate this… Oh God, is this it? This is barely a path, what is this? I had to wake up George and Betty, I had no idea what to tell these people, so I told them we’d had a lover’s tiff and begged them to let me borrow their car. Betty winked at me and gave me the key to this dinosaur car and as I’m leaving I can hear George from inside shout ‘I wish I knew how to quit you!’ Oh man where the hell is this place.
[ABRUPT TAPE CUT]
[GORDON IS WALKING OUTSIDE IN A HIGH WIND]
GORDON
Okay. I’m here. I found the Golden Bullet. She’s fine. But there’s no one there. I left the Land Rover and now I’m walking down a path which had a couple of modern-ish signposts, this has to be it. It is so dark…it could be 10 feet in front of me…what am I doing? I’ve got my Dictaphone in one hand and my phone torch in the other and this is so fucking stupid.
[SILENCE AS HE WALKS FURTHER]
Oh fuck, there he is. And… well there’s the base. Or is it the farmhouse? Shit shit shit. How could I not see it? Where’s the mountain? Oh God it’s so fucking dark. He’s just staring at it. He’s just staring at it with his back to me. Oh man oh man oh man!
[PAUSE]
[shouting] Warren! Warren, are you okay?
WARREN
[distant] I’m here, Gordon.
GORDON
[shouting] Yeah, yeah. Umm… Look, this is really freaking me out so could you please turn around, unless… well unless you haven’t got a face or you’ve turned into a little Japanese girl or something -
WARREN
I have a face, Gordon. Can you lower your torch?
GORDON
Oh, oh yeah, yeah. Sorry.
WARREN
Thank you.
GORDON
You took my car.
WARREN
I’m sorry. I just…I don’t know what’s happening. I had to come here.
GORDON
How did you know how to get here?
WARREN
I don’t know. Please don’t be mad.
GORDON
Fine.
WARREN
Thank you.
GORDON
I had to pretend we were a couple to get George and Betty to lend me their car.
WARREN
Okay.
GORDON
You can explain it when we’re back.
WARREN
That’s fine.
[THEY BOTH LOOK AT THE BASE IN SILENCE]
GORDON
So, this is it.
WARREN
Yeah.
GORDON
Is the mountain there? I… I can’t see anything, it’s like the bottom of the ocean.
WARREN
It’s right there. Just turn your torch off and wait for a minute, you’ll see it.
GORDON
I’ll take your word for it.
WARREN
Thought you’d be thrilled. Standing in the shadow of the mighty Ball Bag.
GORDON
Well, there aren’t any shadows because it’s 3 in the morning, and I’m freezing my balls off.
WARREN
Thought you said the air out here was amazing.
GORDON
Amazingly fucking cold. So, have you seen enough? Can we come back in the morning?
WARREN
No.
[WARREN WALKS AWAY, TOWARDS THE BASE]
GORDON
Oh, come on!
[CUT]
GORDON
[out of breath] I lost you there, you have to slow down.
WARREN
There’s a door here.
GORDON
Right. Well shall we -
[A CLUMSY BUT LOUD BANG AS WARREN KICKS THE DOOR]
WARREN
Ow!
GORDON
Why would you kick the door?!
WARREN
Well, its locked, isn’t it?
GORDON
Well, have you tried it?
WARREN
No.
[GORDON PULLS THE HANDLE AND THE DOOR OPENS EASILY, IF OMINOUSLY]
GORDON
You see. It’s open. Which is totally normal. A secret unmarked base in the middle of nowhere in the dead of night, and the door’s just totally open.
WARREN
Excellent. Thank you.
GORDON
Warren… do you think this is entirely the right thing to do? I mean this just feels like a stupid dream where you make choices you would never make in real life. Nobody chooses to go in this door apart from those idiots from the Blair Witch Project.
WARREN
Is there a particular reason why you’re trying to stop me doing this?
GORDON
Yeah, I’m shitting myself and I want to go home.
WARREN
Do you have anything you want to tell me Gordon?
GORDON
What do you mean?
[WARREN STRIDES INTO THE DARK DOORWAY]
Warren! Stop being so bloody dramatic!
[PAUSE]
Stupid Blair Witch wanker.
[CUT]
[WARREN AND GORDON’S FOOTSTEPS ECHO]
[A LIGHT SWITCH, THE FLICKER AND HUM OF STRIP LIGHTING COMING TO LIFE]
GORDON
Colder in here than it is outside.
WARREN
Smells like my old school.
GORDON
I don’t think anyone’s here. It looks like no one’s been here in a long time.
[WARREN FINDS A CUP, PICKS IT UP AND SNIFFS IT]
WARREN
Cold coffee. Still smells fresh.
GORDON
Or maybe they have?
[WARREN IS STRIDING AWAY FROM GORDON, CREAKING DOORS OPEN, PEERING INTO OFFICES AND CUPBOARDS]
Warren, what is it you expect to find here? What is going on?
WARREN
You tell me.
GORDON
What?
WARREN
You helped design this place, right? You know it.
GORDON
The project was killed, we never finished it. And I wasn’t on architecture, I was on the seed archiving system, which never happened.
WARREN
Really?
GORDON
Warren, what are you trying to say?
WARREN
How did I know how to get here tonight?
GORDON
What are you talking about?
WARREN
You were the only person who could’ve cancelled that prison visit, you were the only one who knew about it.
GORDON
You think I stopped us visiting your mate, or whoever, who I don’t know anything about? Warren, you took my car and came here in the middle of the night -
WARREN
And yet you still found your way here.
GORDON
Fuck this. Give me my keys.
WARREN
No.
GORDON
Give me the fucking –
[A SCREECH OF FEEDBACK, THEN A HEAVILY MODULATED, DEEP, FORCED LAUGH THROUGH A TANNOY]
TANNOY
Ho ho ho ho. Ha ha ha ha.
[SILENCE]
Come on. You’re meant to say, ‘I know that laugh.’ And then the curtain rolls back and its Jabba the Hutt! Yahn chass Solo, chung Wookiee! I love this thing.
GORDON
[close] Seriously can I have my keys back now?
TANNOY
Right, enough dicking about. Follow the corridor to the end of the fire exit, push the door then come downstairs. Please.
WARREN
Last chance mate. Anything you want to tell me?
GORDON
I’m telling you… we need to turn around and drive as far away from this place as possible. Warren.
[WARREN AGAIN TURNS AND WALKS AWAY]
Please stop walking away like that. Please. This is too weird now, I… I don’t like it!
[WARREN PUSHES OPEN THE FIRE EXIT DOOR WHICH OPENS WITH A HEAVY CLUNK, ECHOING DOWN A STAIRWELL]
WARREN
I’m sick of this London Dungeons shit.
[CUT]
[WARREN AND GORDON DESCEND A METAL STAIRCASE, THEIR STEPS ECHOING DOWN THE STAIRWELL AND DOWN AN UPCOMING CORRIDOR]
[THERE IS A SOFT HUM OF ELECTRICITY AND THE REPEATED BEEPING PATTERN OF DISTANT COMPUTERS]
GORDON
Now this feels more like a seed vault.
WARREN
Shh.
[THEY PACE ON IN SILENCE FOR A FEW MOMENTS. EVENTUALLY A DOOR OPENS NEAR WARREN]
CLIVE
Warren! You made it.
WARREN
Clive.
CLIVE
You don’t seem surprised to see me.
WARREN
I guess…no. I suppose I’m not.
CLIVE
Bit of a lousy welcome I know, we just weren’t expecting you in the middle of the bloody night, that’s all.
WARREN
I’m sorry.
CLIVE
I mean, it was hard enough getting here ahead of you in the first place, but if you will indulge these flights of spontaneous fancy. But you’re here, and you made it all by yourself.
GORDON
He’s not by himself.
CLIVE
Whoa! How long have you been standing there?
GORDON
I… we came together. Well, he came here. I just followed.
CLIVE
Well. I’m sure that was meant to be sweet and not creepy at all. Anyway, there’s cake! Got a bit squished in the helicopter but it’s still good, do you want some?
WARREN
No, thank you.
CLIVE
Actually, what am I thinking? You should probably be nil by mouth from now anyway. I mean this is the only thing keeping me awake really. So! If you found us on your own, it must all be clicking into place, hmm?
[SILENCE]
CLIVE
Your vacant expression isn’t filling me with much hope, Warren.
WARREN
I’ve… been here before.
CLIVE
Please tell you’ve got a bit more in place than that.
GORDON
Warren, why don’t we just, let’s go back to the car and we can jus-
CLIVE
Shut the fuck up and stay where you are you little dungeons and dragons little fucker, I told you, I told you, stay out of this and leave him alone and here you are. Now I have to find the considerable energy to murder you and make it look like an elaborate suicide and I haven’t had nearly enough sleep or cheesecake to do that. It’s the middle of the fucking night and I don’t appreciate it, Graham.
GORDON
Gordon.
CLIVE
Fuck off. Look I’m not 100% up to date here, I haven’t been keeping up with the bugs for the last couple of days -
WARREN
The bugs?
CLIVE
The bugs. Your bugs. The bugs. Your phone, your car, your house, your clothes, your bugs. Look at you, you’re going full Rain Man.
[CLIVE STRIDES TO A WALL AND PRESSES THE INTERCOM BUTTON. HIS VOICE IS MAGNIFIED THROUGH THE TANNOY]
Bryony! Bryony could you come up here, please? I need your help.
GORDON
Bryony? Bryony Halbech? She’s here now?
CLIVE
She’s the one with the keys, so yeah, she had to come.
[AS A DOOR OPENS, FOOTSTEPS APPROACH AROUND A CORNER]
BRYONY
Clive, you can see how much there is to do, I asked you not to -
WARREN
Karen?
GORDON
What?
BRYONY
What’s this?
CLIVE
I know you said it looked unappetising after I sat on it, but I swear, it’s so good, you have to try some. Oh, Warren’s here.
WARREN
Karen, what are you doing here?
GORDON
Wait, Karen?
BRYONY
Clive what the hell were you th -
WARREN
Karen, look at me.
BRYONY
We had a strategy. A sensitive approach. It was essential, why on earth would you abandon that plan -
WARREN
Karen!
BRYONY
Hi. Warren.
GORDON
Wait, this is Bryony Halbech?
CLIVE
Bryony, I got the impression he was going to be a bit more clued in to what was happening here. Look at him, he’s going into standby mode right in front of you, I’m surprised a little red light hasn’t started flashing on his face.
BRYONY
Warren, listen to me. You’re in the right place. You’re supposed to be here.
CLIVE
Too much brainal fisting on your part, I think.
GORDON
Warren, we need to get the fuck out of here right now.
CLIVE
I wasn’t kidding man, I’ll stab you in the fucking eye with this fork. Now that is a really elaborate suicide, but I reckon I can do it.
BRYONY
Warren, look at me.
[CLIVE SIGHS]
CLIVE
[over the tannoy] Guys, help on Level 1, please.
GORDON
How many people are here?
CLIVE
Warren, you’re the first man ever to have survived cryonic preservation. Congratulations! And tonight, you’ll be the first man to go in twice.
BRYONY
[annoyed] Clive, we had a plan.
[DOORS OPEN AND MULTIPLE HEAVY FOOTSTEPS HURRY DOWN THE CORRIDOR]
CLIVE
Thanks guys, if you could just take him downstairs for a bit, call us if his brain starts running out of his ears or whatever.
[WARREN IS SILENT AND DOES NOT STRUGGLE]
GORDON
Warren. Hey Warren, you don’t have to go with them, Warren! Wh… Where are they taking him?
CLIVE
Now it looks like we won’t be sleeping for a bit so I’m going to take some uppers and get in the mood, either of you guys want anything?
BRYONY
You are a clown, Schill.
CLIVE
Hey, we only do what we can live with, right? Ain’t that right Warren? Ehhhhhhh –
[CUT]
BRYONY
You can sit there.
GORDON
Right.
BRYONY
You can stop looking at me like that, no one’s going to hurt you.
GORDON
Clive did literally just say he was going to kill me. Twice.
BRYONY
Clive’s a difficult one. Rather thinks he’s top bollock. The sharp end of the sword. He’s actually the… shovel bit of the shovel. If it makes you feel better, he threatens to kill people all the time. Very rarely follows through.
GORDON
Great.
[THE SOUND OF STRIP LIGHTING COMING TO LIFE IN THE NEXT ROOM]
What’s going on?
BRYONY
Clive is going to begin the debrief process for Warren. I speak to Clive through a bug in his ear, and you get to watch through the glass.
GORDON
Is that the right thing to do? Putting Warren with him?
BRYONY
It’s less than ideal but we’re rather thin on the ground here and I’ve just been pretending to be his wife for half a year, which might compromise the process somewhat.
GORDON
Oh God! This is so fucked up.
BRYONY
Quiet now. Okay Clive, you can start.
[CLIVE AND WARREN’S CONVERSATION IS SLIGHTLY TINNY BUT VERY CLEAR, AMPLIFIED INTO THE CONTROL ROOM]
CLIVE
You can sit there. I told you you were the next big thing.
[WARREN SITS IN SILENCE]
Come on. Don’t be modest. Do you know how many people have sat where you’re sitting? Not a one. You are the only person that has ever survived the thawing process. The only person that has ever Continued. That’s what I want to call it. ‘Continue’. I want it on billboards. ‘Do you want to continue?’ Make it a bit more you know sci-fi, maybe spell it with a K or something. And you’re the start of it all.
WARREN
I don’t know what you’re talking about, I don’t remember anything like that…
CLIVE
Think of it as like…you’re just like Captain America! You have the magic DNA that worked with our product, which kept you alive while you were frozen. You just don’t have any of the added benefits of being super strong, or in any way good looking or charming, or having anything else remotely special about you whatsoever. So, you know Captain America, but shit. Captain Shit.
WARREN
I’d like to speak to my wife, please.
CLIVE
She’s not your wife. She’s the lead of this operation. We couldn’t let you back out in the world without a handler and well… it was her or me. And I think we’re all glad it wasn’t me. She’s watching all this right now actually. Just through the mirror behind me.
WARREN
I’d like to speak to her, please.
CLIVE
Nope.
WARREN
Could I speak to her?
CLIVE
No way.
WARREN
Karen!
CLIVE
Her name is Bryony. Why did you go home? To Gravesend? Of all the places in the world.
WARREN
You’ve been watching me?
CLIVE
All the time. All the time. Constant, boring, relentless watching, listening. Why did you go home?
WARREN
I felt like…
CLIVE
Like what?
WARREN
I really want to speak to my wife, please.
CLIVE
Yeah not your wife. Why didn’t you tell Karen, who isn’t your wife and isn’t called Karen, that you were going all that way? Did you not want her to know?
WARREN
I just wanted to go home.
[CLIVE BLOWS AIR OUT OF HIS CHEEKS]
[HE STANDS, SLOWLY DRAGS HIS CHAIR ACROSS THE ROOM UNTIL HE’S UP CLOSE WITH WARREN]
GORDON
What’s he doing?
BRYONY
He has a prepared approach, it’s fine.
GORDON
Do you have to do this now? Look at him. You’re blowing my mind, so God knows what you’re doing to him.
BRYONY
I’m not asking for feedback, Mr Porlock.
CLIVE
What gave you the idea of Overhead developing this product for use in mass incarceration? That was a bit of a leap from Sonic the Hedgehog, wasn’t it?
WARREN
I don’t know.
CLIVE
Are you being deliberately obtuse with me, Warren?
WARREN
I think it’s reasonable that all this might be considered a lot to take in.
CLIVE
Yeah, Yeah, it’s been quite a day, hasn’t it, Warren? Would you like tea?
WARREN
I would actually love that, thank you.
CLIVE
What gave you the idea of Overhead developing this product for use in mass incarceration?
WARREN
I don’t know…I’d been drinking…
CLIVE
Calm down George Best, you’d had 2 beers. Why did you ditch Porlock and come here on your own? How did you find us?
[CLIVE CLAPS HIS HANDS]
Hey! Cuck Rogers!
GORDON
Is he actually going to give him some tea?
BRYONY
No.
GORDON
Shall I make some?
BRYONY
Sit down and be quiet.
CLIVE
Okay. You’re going to start telling me what I’d like to know. Or I’ll do nasty things. I’ll tie Porlock to the back of his shitheap car, put a brick on the accelerator and let it off into the mountains until there’s nothing left but a stump.
BRYONY
Nothing personal.
CLIVE
I’ll slide one of those old mercury thermometers down his dick hole and I’ll snap off the glass!
BRYONY
Jesus. Clive, less of the bad cop, maybe?
CLIVE
[close] You know the reason you haven’t been able to get it up is down to us, right?
BRYONY
Clive.
CLIVE
It’s the medication. It’s not a side effect, one of those pills is literally just to kill your boner. Couldn’t have you actually trying to shag your handler, could we? So, we neutered you. Like a dog. We’ve got whole tapes of you crying about it. Crying, apologising, begging.
GORDON
What the fuck kind of interview is this?
BRYONY
Clive, that’s enough.
CLIVE
You know, Bryony and I have known each other a long time. We were never together, I’m a married man, but I do know other guys in the company, who have, you know…with her. She is apparently amazing.
[A PIERCING FEEDBACK SCREECHES INTO THE INTERROGATION ROOM]
BRYONY
[close] Clive! Shut the fuck up!
CLIVE
Oh, come on Bryony! Is this guy anything like the one that went in?
BRYONY
That’s enough. Take a break. And get him some fucking tea.
CLIVE
What is the point of being able to put someone into hypersleep if they have a personality transplant when we wake them up? What if they all come out like Forrest fucking Gu -
[IN A SUDDEN COMMOTION, WARREN LEAVES HIS SEAT]
[THERE IS A LOUD, VIOLENT THUD AS TWO HEADS COLLIDE, AND THE SOUND OF CHAIRS FALLING OVER]
[WARREN AND CLIVE STRUGGLE TOGETHER, CLIVE YELPING AND CURSING IN PAIN]
BRYONY
For God’s sake.
[SHE HITS A BUTTON AND AN ALARM STARTS WAILING]
GORDON
Whoa. Ah! Ow! Jesus.
[THE DOOR TO THE INTERROGATION ROOM OPENS AND THE ASSISTANTS ENTER]
BRYONY
[over the tannoy] Just separate them. Take Warren for a lie down please.
CLIVE
Taze him for fuck’s sake!
BRYONY
There’s no need for that, just…there that’s it. Grace, have you got him? Pamela if you could - good. Well done. Clive clean yourself up and we’ll have a chat, shall we?
GORDON
This place is demented.
WARREN
Karen. Karen!
CLIVE
‘Karen, Karen!’
BRYONY
Oh shut up you craven little prick!
[WITH A BUTTON PRESS THE INTERROGATION ROOM GOES SILENT]
[BRYONY DROPS BACK DOWN INTO HER CHAIR]
[brightly] Well, what do you think of the place?
[CUT]
BRYONY
[carrying tea] No sugar I’m afraid.
GORDON
Thanks.
BRYONY
So. What are we going to do with you?
GORDON
If there’s a choice I don’t really need the thermometer going up my-
BRYONY
We got you straight out of university, didn’t we?
GORDON
Um. Yes.
BRYONY
So. Thirteen years then. Shuffled from one windowless basement office to another, carrying out, it must be said, outstandingly unremarkable work.
GORDON
…Right.
BRYONY
We call your type stillwaters. You don’t rock the boat through underperformance, you never draw attention through any particular deeds of great merit. You never build lasting relationships with colleagues or superiors, and you seem best avoided thanks to your rangy eyes, sweaty pallor and thoroughly asymmetrical face. Such reliable mediocrity is undoubtedly why you were chosen to help design a fictitious seed vault here at Red Valley. Overhead do this a lot, smokescreen projects to secure investment and resources, camouflaging a different objective. And now you know all about ours.
GORDON
Are you going to kill me?
BRYONY
I don’t want to kill anyone Gordon. We were wrong about you, weren’t we? You’re not a stillwater at all. All this time, you’ve been digging away like a sweaty little gumshoe detective, learning more about this facility than almost anyone alive. Your dedication to finding out what truly happens here borders on the obsessive. Frankly, I think this reveals less of a desperate search for truth or justice, and more of a genuine passion for what we do here.
GORDON
I am trying to expose what you are doing here, playing with people’s lives, meddling with things that…that you shouldn’t be!
BRYONY
You can wheedle out as many mad scientist clichés as you like but I think we should both stop pretending. The deeper you dig the more fascinated you become. You’re not outraged or disgusted. You’re enthralled by our work. Of what it could mean.
GORDON
You don’t know anything about me…
BRYONY
I’ve heard every conversation you’ve had with Warren. You’re not put off by the macabre, the gory, the violent, like he is. When you talk about it you sound…feverish.
[GORDON FALLS SILENT]
I’m not saying you’re a bad person Gordon. I’m not saying you want people to suffer. No one here wants anyone to suffer. Except Clive.
GORDON
So, what are you saying?
BRYONY
As you can imagine it’s incredibly hard to find and maintain staff for a project like this -
GORDON
Are you offering me a job?!
BRYONY
I can’t be here as much as I would like, Clive isn’t here anymore than I would want, and our handful of assistants are inconsistent and too regularly rotated. Red Valley is old and in constant need of upkeep. If it falls into genuine disrepair then it compromises the work, that’s the truth of it.
GORDON
You want me to be the caretaker? Of your underground experimental cryonic laboratory?
BRYONY
In return, I give you access to everything. Every record, every file, every video, every tape. Not just my work. Red Valley has been used for many things, for many years, and I want it documented. Someone like Clive would happily burn everything as we go to keep his nose clean. I disagree. I have no shame in the work I do, and I think if you want to get full marks, you need to show your working. You’re an archivist, Gordon. It is your singular vocation. Archive Red Valley for me.
[GORDON LETS OUT A LONG BREATH]
There is another more altruistic aspect to the role. Warren is your friend, is he not? Your only friend, perhaps. He’s going back into hypersleep tonight. It would be beneficial, particularly in light of the behaviour you just saw, if there was someone here who…had his back.
GORDON
Sounds like something his wife should do.
BRYONY
[a little exasperated] The choice, such as it is, is entirely yours Mr Porlock, but I’d advise you that the alternative would place you into the care of Clive Schill, which will almost certainly involve a blunt object and the sudden and permanent misplacing of your cognitive functions. A thermometer up the willy would be the least of your problems. Drink your tea, mull it over, take your time.
GORDON
Right.
[FOOTSTEPS]
BRYONY
Actually, forget that, decide now or you might be dead before your drink’s cold.
CLIVE
Have you calmed down now?
BRYONY
We had a carefully considered question and answer process crafted specifically to avoid exactly the kind of behaviours that might put Warren or anybody else at risk.
CLIVE
Right, firstly, you lost your righteous indignation privileges when you pretended to be his spouse for 9 months, so wind your neck in. And secondly, have you got another tissue, there’s a pint of blood on this one. I was trying to establish who we are dealing with. The Warren Godby we brought into this programme or the one you’ve been house training all year. And it worked, didn’t it? He’s still a dangerous cretin.
BRYONY
Oh, it worked perfectly, Clive. Hey, did you bring in another face with you, because most of yours has been sprayed down your shirt.
CLIVE
Bryony, this is good. He’s the same guy underneath and we didn’t need 40 years of clinical cross-examination to work it out.
BRYONY
Did you ever consider that it might not be the end of the world for a subject’s mental health to actually improve after the treatment? Rather than openly encouraging him to headbutt you
CLIVE
He didn’t headbutt me. He fell into my face.
BRYONY
So, he’s a violent thug when it suits your argument and just unsteady on his feet when it damages your pride?
CLIVE
[realising Gordon is in the room] Why are you still here?
GORDON
Oh - I - uh -
CLIVE
Fuck off Hufflepuff. Why is he still here?
BRYONY
Gordon was just deciding whether or not he wants to accept a posting here at Red Valley.
CLIVE
Jesus, you want all this taken seriously and you want to bring him on board? Fantastic Twats and Where To Find Them?
GORDON
What did you mean by Cuck Rogers?
BRYONY
What?
CLIVE
Cuck Rogers. Buck Rogers. Like the TV show, he got sent into the future. With his little robot. Biddy biddy bid.
GORDON
But what is a cuck though?
CLIVE
I thought you were an internet nerd. You can’t even do that right.
[CLIVE PULLS OUT HIS PHONE AND GOOGLES]
GORDON
I – well –
CLIVE
No no, I’ll look it up.
BRYONY
Is it terribly important?
CLIVE
Right, here we go. Cuck. From cuckold. Weak or servile man, unmanly and inadequate, dominated by his wife.
GORDON
Oh right.
CLIVE
Yeah, so you see how good an insult that actually was. Like the more I think about it the better it gets. And it just came to me like that.
GORDON
It wasn’t that good.
CLIVE
Only because you didn’t understand it.
GORDON
You’re the one who had to google it.
CLIVE
You know I’ve got that thermometer in my pocket, right?
BRYONY
Gordon. I know it’s probably easy to see a good cop bad cop situation in front of you right now -
GORDON
Not really.
BRYONY
–but I’m afraid Clive and I are on the same page about this sort of thing. The choice is essentially come on board or he’ll push you out of a helicopter. And I’ll be holding the door open for him.
GORDON
Right. Umm… Well I need my stuff -
BRYONY
We boxed up your flat this afternoon. I can call them now and bring anything that’s absolutely necessary.
GORDON
And I should tell…someone…
CLIVE
I’m sure your Game of Thrones sub-Reddit will get over the loss in time.
GORDON
You keep talking about Warren, before all this…like he was a different person.
[CLIVE LAUGHS AND SPITS OUT BLOOD]
BRYONY
Like I said, Gordon. You’ll have access to everything.
[CUT]
[WARREN LIES IN A BED IN A MAKESHIFT HOSPITAL WARD ROOM]
[AROUND HIM ARE THE BLEEPS OF MONITORS READING HIS VITAL SIGNS, AND PUMPS GIVING HIM MEDICATION]
GORDON
[tentatively] Warren?
WARREN
Oh hey! Clive didn’t kill you and eat you.
GORDON
No, not yet. Are you…what is all this, are you okay?
WARREN
So, they set me up in this very comfy bed that looks older than I am and hooked me up to all this monitoring and stuff, they were very nice about it.
GORDON
You seem pretty upbeat.
WARREN
Well if I press this button here, I get morphine. So that’s okay. I think they want to keep me calm because there’s a chance I might be a violent criminal.
GORDON
Yeah.
WARREN
What did I do to Clive, my face was wet afterwards?
GORDON
Oh, you bust his nose. But don’t feel bad, he’s…well he’s awful, isn’t he?
WARREN
I’ve never headbutted anyone before. Or maybe I have, maybe I’m the king of headbutts. It really hurt though, there must be a better technique to it.
GORDON
Probably.
WARREN
So, they’re not letting you chip off home then.
GORDON
Uh, no. It’s either work for them in perpetuity or a grisly murder.
WARREN
So, you work for them now.
GORDON
Well we always worked for them. Besides it’s a lovely place to work. Wonderful team spirit.
[PAUSE]
How are you doing, Warren?
WARREN
Well. Erm… My recent life as I know it seems to have been entirely made up. My wife is actually Doctor Frankenstein and I’m the monster. And the guy in charge is a psychopath who places human life at a lower priority than cake.
GORDON
Mary Berry’s Frankenstein.
[WARREN BURSTS INTO LAUGHTER]
WARREN
That’s not bad. Mary Berry.
GORDON
She - uh, Dr Halbech, well she said you consented to be part of a cohort taken from a prison in Norfolk. Last year.
WARREN
Right.
GORDON
Do you think that was you? That Aubrey Wood was talking about. On that tape.
WARREN
I don’t know. It made me want to come here, and I just knew the way. I don’t know anything about Aubrey Wood that hasn’t been on your tapes.
GORDON
You didn’t make the final selection that ended up being Teddy Bear’s Picnic. But eventually they came back for you, they did more gene testing on you and some others. You were the only survivor of the treatment. Obviously. You were in successful hypersleep for a month.
WARREN
A month? This all seems like a lot of hassle for a month.
GORDON
I think they were expecting you to be pretty much a vegetable when you came out, so when it seemed that you’d undergone nothing more than some personality tweaks and memory loss -
WARREN
You know, just minor stuff.
GORDON
Well, it is, considering you should’ve been dead. When you did better than they ever thought you would she, Halbech, wanted to study you as much as possible. It was her idea to put you back in the world and she stayed close enough to observe everything.
WARREN
And she didn’t feel like she should be the one catching me up on all this crucial exposition.
GORDON
They’re putting you back into hypersleep tonight. I don’t know if they expect you to remember any of this when you come back out. Or if…
WARREN
Or if I’ll even be the same person.
GORDON
Right.
WARREN
Or a parsnip.
GORDON
Well, ideally not.
WARREN
I think I need some more morphine.
GORDON
I wish I could help you, that I could take you out of here, I had to convince them to let me even talk to you, that I could -
WARREN
No, no, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I brought you into this, you should never have been here tonight.
GORDON
Well I did follow you to be fair.
WARREN
Yeah that’s true. Well that is your fault really.
GORDON
[pulling closer] We could try. We could try and make a run for it.
WARREN
No, no. I want to do this.
GORDON
You do?
WARREN
I just found out that I’m not really who I thought I was, and that I was in prison for doing something presumably not great. I come from a long line of people who did some not great things. My father was a man who…if it turns that I’m like… if I’ve done -
GORDON
It’s probably just tax evasion. Or you didn’t pay your TV licence or something, they’re… they’re fierce on things like that these days.
WARREN
Yeah.
GORDON
And hey, you’ve spent the last few weeks or months or however long feeling like you were going a bit crazy, right, like you said to me that night in the car you were crap at your job, that you shouldn’t be doing it? Like imposter syndrome, right? Well we all have that. But you’re literally right! You’re not going crazy. You are an imposter. You’re actually the star of a huge and wildly unethical science experiment!
WARREN
Wow you’re right. I mean it’s really a sunny side up situation.
GORDON
And. You’re a month younger than you thought you were.
WARREN
Oh yeah.
GORDON
I mean. Your life expectancy is probably a fair bit shorter.
WARREN
Oh really?
GORDON
Yeah, and your insides are probably…
[GORDON DOES A RASPBERRY]
WARREN
Ah. Brilliant, thanks.
GORDON
Hey, who wants to live forever, right?
WARREN
Your new job isn’t reassuring people about to go into hypersleep, is it?
GORDON
Sorry.
WARREN
That’s okay.
[PAUSE]
GORDON
Did you know a warren is the name for a rabbit’s burrow?
WARREN
Yeah, I did know that, yeah.
GORDON
Ah! But did you know Warren is also the name of Bucky O’Hare’s home planet?
WARREN
Ha! Bucky O’Hare!
GORDON
Yeah, you know, the cartoon. Bucky! Captain Bucky O’Hare -
WARREN & GORDON
He goes where no ordinary rabbit would dare.
WARREN
He had a friend that was a big gorilla with armour on, what was he called? Berserker?
GORDON
Ah no no, he was a Berserker Baboon. His name was Bruiser. He used to say ‘Awwwoooogahhh!’
[WARREN AND GORDON LAUGH]
WARREN
I remember my mother, she recorded that for me off the TV while I was at school. She went through the opening credits pausing it every few seconds so she could write down all the words to the song at the beginning so when I got home, we could sing it together.
GORDON
That was nice of her.
WARREN
You’re still going to be around when they wake me up?
GORDON
Yeah. I’ll be here.
[THEY SIT IN SILENCE, THE MONITORS BLEEPING QUIETLY IN THE BACKGROUND]
[CUT]
[A LONG ELECTRONIC NOISE]
[A ROOM, A SMOOTH VENTILATION IN THE BACKGROUND]
[SOME BLEEPS AND BLOOPS]
AUBREY
Bit of a soft ending.
GORDON (BLUE SKY)
They sit in silence for about 3 minutes. Warren eventually does a small fart and Gordon realises he’s fallen asleep. Then the assistants come in to start the rapid cooling process. It’s a better ending this way.
AUBREY
You did have a flair for the melodramatic, Gordon.
GORDON (BLUE SKY)
He did.
AUBREY
Sorry. I can’t quite get used to this. To…hearing his voice like this.
GORDON (BLUE SKY)
I can change it back to the default -
AUBREY
No no, it took long enough to get it this close. Just wish you were here.
GORDON (BLUE SKY)
I am here.
AUBREY
Oh you know what I mean.
GORDON (BLUE SKY)
Oh you know what I mean.
AUBREY
Yes, it is.
[AUBREY STANDS UP, MOVING HER CHAIR AWAY FROM HER DESK, AND BEGINS TO WALK]
[GORD’S VOICE MOVES AS SHE DOES]
Is everyone sorted upstairs?
GORDON (BLUE SKY)
Yes. Hester just finished her round and is heading back to the house. Jacob is on 4 hourly observations, but I can take them.
AUBREY
Could you try dialling it up a little? You haven’t quite got his energy right.
GORDON (BLUE SKY)
Well, yeah, I could talk a little bit more like this if you want, it just involves inserting around 30-50% more words than necessary into any given sentence and er… simulating breathlessness which admittedly is still not an easy thing for the program to do, it just feels counter-intuitive to me, does it feel counter-intuitive to you, you might feel this is the best set up for you, just having sentences that never seem to end, if this what you like then I’m delighted, no delighted, more enthusiasm, on unexpected words, what do you think, do I just keep going, on and on and on, without actually saying anything, is this soothing to you because it seems like it would be really stressful to me -
AUBREY
No no, Jesus. I take it back. He really was annoying.
GORDON (BLUE SKY)
I think that’s better for everyone, isn’t it?
[TINNY RAINFALL NOISE STARTS COMING OUT OF THE SPEAKER]
Would you like some Amazon rainfall sounds to calm you down?
AUBREY
No thanks, Gordon.
GORDON (BLUE SKY)
Okay.
[THE SOUNDS STOP]
[THEY HAVE REACHED THE BOTTOM OF THE STAIRCASE AND AUBREY NOW STRIDES ACROSS A METALLIC FLOOR]
AUBREY
This is… the right thing to do, isn’t it?
GORDON (BLUE SKY)
It was your idea.
AUBREY
I’ve had a lot of ideas, Gordon. They all seem good at the time.
GORDON (BLUE SKY)
You tell everyone that finds their way here that ultimately, all you can offer them is choice. Almost all of those people tell you that choice is all they ever wanted.
AUBREY
Almost… everyone?
GORDON (BLUE SKY)
Roughly 65% of guests at Red Valley have said something involving a selection of terms based around the root concept of choice. It’s not almost everyone but I wanted to show support.
AUBREY
Thanks.
GORDON (BLUE SKY)
If that is what you hope to offer, then there probably aren’t many people who deserve to be given a choice more than him.
AUBREY
Okay, let’s start.
[SOME COMPUTERY NOISES]
GORDON (BLUE SKY)
Everything is ready to execute, there’s no need for you to be present after you give authorisation.
[AUBREY PULLS UP A CHAIR AND POURS HERSELF A DRINK FROM A THERMOS]
AUBREY
I know. It’s just quieter down here.
[NOW SOME HISSING, MECHANICAL NOISES FROM A NEARBY POWERFUL DEVICE]
GORDON (BLUE SKY)
Thawing sequence initialising. 2200 hours. November 19, 2064. Mark. Godby, Warren. Mark. Authorisation?
AUBREY
Wood, Aubrey Jane.
[THE SPEAKER SAYS HER WORDS BACK AT HER TO CONFIRM HER VOICE]
GORDON (BLUE SKY)
Mark.
[THE MECHANICAL NOISES PAUSE, A SUBTLE, THROBBING BEEPING]
Do you want to continue?